Netflix That Shit: Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares


“What the fuck did you put in that sauce? It’s like some…sci-fi sperm.”

“The two steaks have been up and down like fucking Abi Titmuss’s knickers!”

“AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!! That was you grunting, like a troll looking for your fucking spanner!”

“It’s fucking piling crap on top of crap, and using crap on crap!”

These aren’t quotes from a sentence mixer. They’re from the mouth of Gordon Ramsay. If you haven’t already got this unique and endearing cooking show/documentary in your queue, then you’re probably a nun, or your idea of fine dining is Jack in the Box tacos and imported beer. I grew up with parents that couldn’t get enough of cooking shows. They watched so many that I just assumed all parents watched a lot of cooking shows too. They typically had control of the remote so I usually ended up watching them by default. My earliest memories of cooking shows revolved around Martin Yan, Justin Wilson, and Jeff Smith (The Frugal Gourmet). After the Food Network made it onto our cable box, I became familiar with Giada De Laurentis (and the two biggest reasons for men to watch cooking shows), Alton Brown (the “Bill Nye” of cooking), and a cooking game show that eventually became one of my favorites, “Chopped”. But none of the aforementioned names are quite as entertaining as Gordon Ramsay and his breakout show “Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares”, which is available on Netflix to stream.

Frankly, it doesn’t matter if you hate most cooking shows or if you’ve never watched one before. You should give this series a try. “Kitchen Nightmares” is currently airing in the US on Fox, but the series got its start as “Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares” across the pond on Channel 4. And just to be clear, it’s the UK version that I’m recommending. The show is a “fly on the wall” documentary where Ramsay visits a failing restaurant and tries to turn things around inside of a week. Drama typically ensues because most of the failing restaurateurs don’t take criticism very well, and Ramsay will insult your cooking, your waistline, even your dead mother, and then follow it all up with his mantra… “I’m here to help.” The four quotes at the beginning of this article all came courtesy of Ramsay and that’s just the beginning. His colorful language and cocky attitude are a big part of the show’s appeal. Ramsay is the narrator as well, and this adds a sort of intimacy that you just don’t get out of the US version. Although just about anything featuring the blonde bad boy of cooking is probably going to be entertaining and successful, this show brings an originality and mood to the table (no pun intended) that I feel is really missing in a lot of US TV shows. You get to know the people who run the failing restaurants. You learn about them, their families, and what caused them to fail in the first place. And for all Ramsay’s swearing, insulting and such, you get the sense that he actually cares about turning around the struggling eateries. He seems to genuinely understand the pain and suffering the owners are going through, or at the very least he wants to help ease their suffering. It makes him a likeable and down to earth host who can relate to people as opposed to the rich successful businessman who is just there to tell you what to do because he makes more money than you.

The show has more going for it than just Ramsay though. There is of course the “train wreck” factor of watching the owners act like they’ve got a good restaurant only for Gordon to show them that they don’t, because good restaurants aren’t failing. You’ll feel bad for some of the owners because they come across as normal people who are just trying to make it and lost their way. Then some of the other owners will make you shake your head and curse at the screen just like Gordon because they are so diluted that they think they don’t need Ramsay’s help. After all, they’re the owners and they know best… right? The soundtrack is also very catchy in an unexpected way. On the US version, the soundtrack is like an annoying fly, always buzzing around. Most of the music is pretty generic and really just feels like a formality in the director’s efforts to jerk your tears and keep you on the edge of your seat. In the UK version, most of the music is upbeat and fairly discrete. You’re not going to find any top 40 music in the background, but you’ll probably find some of the songs stuck in your head during the following days. Sometimes the soundtrack serenades you with music reminiscent of Pink Floyd; other times you’ll be stirred up by a zesty conga medley. Most of the restaurants are small, locally owned establishments, and the music on most occasions is the sort of stuff you’d expect to hear if you were dining in them. It just feels right. There are also lots of close-ups of Gordon as he explains what’s going through his head as he eats the food and observes how the restaurants work. These “stream of consciousness” shots will draw you in and have you coming back for more. Sadly there are only 34 episodes to watch, but they’re all entertaining in one form or another.

Odds are pretty good that once you start watching this quirky series, you probably won’t be able to stop. But if you need a little convincing, then… I’m here to help. I’ve seen the series more times than I care to admit and what follows are a few of the highlights. Each hour long episode could have you laughing, crying, or just scratching your head. Then you’ll change your schedule so that you can be home for Hell’s Kitchen when it premieres in the summer. Without further ado, “The Most Amazing List of Kitchen Nightmares Episodes”.

Season 1 Episode 1 – Bonaparte’s Restaurant

It’s easy to see why the show caught on; because it had a really good pilot. Anyone who’s ever thought about running a restaurant should be required to see this episode, because it shows you how everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. The show opens, and as we’re serenaded by a stand up bass playing a jazzy tune, we find out that Bonaparte’s is run by a woman named Sue who has had several previous careers. She’s hired a 21-year-old head chef who has bull-shitted his way into the job. Tim has high aspirations of success at Ramsay’s level, but he bombs nearly every culinary test Gordon throws at him. Despite the fact that he lied to get the job, you don’t really want to see him fail because even though he has no idea what he’s doing, he’s trying the best he can.

Things start out bad, and keep getting worse. First, there aren’t any customers coming in, so they have to go out and offer people free food in order for Ramsay to see how they function. Even though only eleven people show up, it proves to be too much for Tim. People have to wait half an hour or more for their courses. The next day Ramsay tries to find out if Tim can cook at a fine dining level. He’s served a signature dish of rotting scallops in a pretty memorable scene…

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Tim apparently can’t tell a good scallop from a bad one. Later, Gordon checks to see if they can cook anything at all. It turns out neither of the chefs can even make a decent omelet, and they can’t tell beef from pork in a blind taste test. And one more thing to add to the pile, their kitchen is dirtier than Pam Anderson’s vagina.  Gordon gives us a great visual image when describing one of the rotting items in their fridge: “It looks like sheep’s turd that’s been infested with ants!” Thanks Ramsay, I’ll remember that one next time I’m trying not to get an erection.

Gordon takes Tim under his wing and teaches him as much as he can in a week about running a kitchen. Tim continues to fail trial after trial, including cooking dinner for his family. Gordon also discovers that Tim really has no idea what the customers in his area want, and suggests that the restaurant become a bistro instead of a fine dining establishment. Eventually, the chef shows some potential nearing the end of Ramsay’s visit, but when Gordon comes back a month later to check up on them, it’s all gone to shit. Tim has gone back to his old dirty ways, as though Gordon was never there. Eventually Tim ends up getting fired and Sue re-opens the restaurant the next day. There was also an interesting post script to this episode. Sue ended up suing the show, claiming that part of the show was faked, and Kitchen Nightmares was to blame for the restaurant’s closure because it portrayed Bonaparte’s in a negative light.

I think this episode stuck with me because I’ve often had fears about being in a situation where I’m expected to know how to do something, but I don’t know what to do. Tim doesn’t come across as the bad guy, he’s just misguided. Ramsay tries his hardest but nothing sticks. The owner should have been a lot more grateful because he did them a favor and gave them a chance at surviving, but they were all too undisciplined to follow through. Of course Ramsay did the audience a bigger favor by showing them all how dirty the kitchen was, so we would know never to eat there. But of course no good deed goes unpunished.

Rococo – Season 3 Episode 3

You’d expect someone who has twelve years of experience and several awards such as Michelin Stars and AA Rosettes to know how to run a restaurant right? These are the accolades of the chef/owner of Rococo. The big problem here is that by the time the chef finishes making your dinner, it’s time for breakfast. This one will definitely pull at your heart strings if you’re even slightly human. Nick Anderson, the owner of the failing restaurant, has a wife and kids, and lives above the restaurant in an apartment. Gordon narrating states that if the restaurant fails, Nick and his family will be homeless.

But it doesn’t matter if you’re about to lose everything. Ramsay will still throw out your cooking awards and call you a fucking asshole. In one of my favorite bits from the episode, Ramsay sits down to lunch to see how the food is, and orders a dish of pan roasted scallops with a cauliflower puree. When the waiter arrives with the food Gordon says “Go and ask the chef where he got the idea for this dish.” Gordon already knows where he got the idea for the dish, because Gordon invented the dish. It’s only cheating if you get caught right?

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Ramsay determines that the restaurant’s fatal flaw is that the chef takes too long to get his food to the customers and is charging too much, but the owner doesn’t want to change anything for some reason. At one point Ramsay gives him a little tough love and hits him with a barrage of criticisms that could have you doing spit takes even if you’re not drinking anything. I got a big laugh from “Enoki mushrooms? They look like fuckin’ tadpoles on Viagra.” You also get some other humorous quotes from Ramsay like “Come here my little fucking Rottweiler” and “Ready, Steady, Twat”.

When I first saw this episode of the series, I had recently been laid off from job where I thought I was safe and knew what I was doing, so Nick’s scenario struck a chord with me. After the insults and colorful language are stripped away, you’ve got an episode that almost anyone over eighteen can probably relate to. Imagine working a job where you honestly think you’re doing everything right because you’ve been doing it for twelve years, but you find out that far down the road that you’ve been doing it wrong. Anyone who has ever felt heavy pressure to succeed will know what this owner is going through. By the end of the episode, Nick has got things back on the right track because he realized that change is inevitable in life. It will leave the viewer feeling satisfied but not as sleazy as you might expect to feel after watching something that could be classified as “reality TV”.

The Fish & Anchor – Season 4 Episode 4

Think of this episode as “What if Lucy and Ricky Ricardo opened up a restaurant?” The Fish & Anchor is a restaurant in Lampeter, Wales run by married couple Mike & Karen. Mike purchased the restaurant after winning a large jackpot. He used to run a burger van, but Gordon can see that he doesn’t know how to run an actual restaurant. He has far too many items on the menu and he can’t get them all prepared at the same time. On top of that, Mike and Karen have a tumultuous relationship that affects the business. The train wreck factor on this episode is a definite 10. Not only do the owners fight with each other during service, they also get into fights with customers and throw them out. At one point in the episode, it’s revealed that the police have been dispatched to the restaurant at least once to deal with a disturbance involving the owners. Oh yeah, and the place looks like it’s owned by Papa Smurf. You’ll understand what I mean when you see it.

Once again you’ll find yourself rooting for the owners to turn things around. In most of the episodes, people argue with Ramsay about the quality of their food/restaurant, or they try to discredit Ramsay by saying he doesn’t know anything about cooking or food. Mike, on the other hand, takes criticism better than anyone I’ve ever seen. He doesn’t argue when Ramsay tells him his food is shit, he doesn’t resist change, and you can tell he’s committed to saving his place. He is, as Ramsay says, “a passionate little fucker”. His wife, on the other hand, blows up at the customers and gets compared to “Shrek in a frock”. Don’t you dare try to tell her that you’re unhappy when you’re at her restaurant because she won’t have it. At one point a customer is complaining about how he’s been waiting for four hours and hasn’t gotten any food. Somehow she turns the guilt back around on the customer, saying it’s his fault, and then threatens to throw him out for swearing at her. Apparently their business plan didn’t involve making money or getting repeat customers.

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Another entertaining scene shows Mike in the kitchen during the middle of a busy rush. He needs his wife Karen for something, so he calls to her, “KAAAA!!!.....KAAAA?!......KAAAAAHHHHHHHH!” I often find it tiring to pronounce the second syllable in someone’s name as well, so I understand his pain. As part of his plan to improve the restaurant, Gordon takes the owners and staff out on the town to entice the citizens and Karen has to publicly promise she won’t fight with the customers anymore. I’d rather have a root canal than tell a customer he’s “always right”. She earns points for bravery. Public apologies might be painful, but this episode won’t be. Ramsay comes back later to find things going well at the Fish & Anchor because Mike continued to do everything he was told. He succeeded because he was humble enough to realize that Ramsay knew best and you’ll find yourself happy to see his success.

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Ramsay’s not for everyone, I’ll grant you this. Some people will probably find him annoying because he can come across as arrogant or a know-it-all. But he really does know it all when it comes to cooking and he commands respect. Despite what some of the owners seem to think, he didn’t get where he is by sitting on his ass. Others might be put off by his large vocabulary of four letter words and off color insults. I remember being surprised by hearing expletives in what was supposed to be a “cooking show” but I soon stopped noticing the swear words because I was so wrapped up in the whole experience of the show. But on that same note, I certainly would never watch this with my mother. It’s Ramsay’s unpredictable nature that gives this series its magic. You watch one episode after another just to see what he’ll say next, and you’ll bask in the warm fuzzies at the end of the episode when things improve for (most of) the owners. Then you’ll wish there were more episodes to watch. “Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares” is a uniquely satisfying show that deserves a spot in your queue. I guarantee you there is no other cooking show where you’ll get to see bare breasts (the Piccolo Teatro episode, since I know you were wondering), or hear the host call someone a “Plonker” while trying to help him improve his cooking. Netflix that shit. You’ll be glad you did.