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The Secret of YouChew's Fascist Regime -----

Mar 05 2012 10:58 PM | Bematt in Satire

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Have we always been at war with Eurasia? That's a good damn question. For years I've been coming to this site wondering about the truth. You know how the admins show you funny pictures of Keanu Reaves and you just sit back and laugh about it? Well, did you know that the person who invented funny Keanu Reaves pictures was Joseph Stalin himself? It's a lesser known fact that while this site has been up for nearly five years, the true inspiration behind the curtain of funny CD-i clips and Mama Luigi is none other than the late Benito Mussolini. You might think I'm crazy, and I would too, but I can prove it to you with this really amazing flag that I didn't spend a few seconds in GIMP making. This is legit right here. Hear me out, listen to my story. You'll know the truth soon enough.

Let me start with Conrad Slater, or should I say, Comrade Slater. Back in the olden days, the War on AIDS wasn't really about CD-i. In fact, the Feral AIDS Monkeys weren't even looking for poop idents like you thought they were. Conrad was trying to engineer super soldiers much like Hitler aspired to. By using a type of natural selection, Conrad aimed to starve off the "feral AIDS children" and purify the YouTube Poop empire. It didn't quite work, however. Like the fall of the Third Reich, Conrad's empire was falling quickly. However, fate intervened at the most unexpected of times. Deeper in the controversy lied a hidden mystery shrouded in a cloud of tyranny and treason. The blood of the millions of berated CD-i poopers had only been the beginning.





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Benito Mussolini: The truth.


An opposition had risen against Conrad's tyrannical force. A secret underground black ops mission known as "Planet Freedom" had launched within hours of Conrad's slaughter of innocents within YouChewia. This project would be a complete success, war heroes RabbitSnore and TINS successfully overthrowing Conrad and taking over the government as Supreme Chancellors. However, their innocent rise to power which looked seemingly harmless contained an ugly secret that would change the face of our forum forever. After scheming for months, RabbitSnore and TINS realized they had to increase the fog between the people and them to initiate their most unexpected and dastardly plot yet.

Operation "Panchinko Machine" was a facade that fooled the whole entire population that we reside in. We walked miles unaware of the threat that surrounded us. Deep in the seemingly unstable landscapes that Panchinko had created lied a dark secret: A new fascist takeover. RabbitSnore and TINS realized they would not have much time until they were figured out. They were simply holding the torch, waiting to pass it on quickly to the next buyer. They knew the right person for the job. Before they could initiate the final step, they had to make an exit and make it look convincing. How convincing it was, too. Nobody would have expected such treachery on our turf. Beneath the surface of this sad goodbye was a bitter victory for a tyrant, the next steps to destruction. They elected Mr. "Dopples" Dopply to the office of Chief Executive of the Socialist Technical Initiative. This was the catalyst that would set off hellfire to never be vanquished beneath the smoke we see as truth.





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Stalin's ghost laughs at our ignorance.


We all became pawns in a simple game. Our rights are clouded with invisible rules and the people who run us are always right, right? Wrong. What we're a part of has us fooled as people. We are under the boot of the tyrant, gasping for air and barely getting enough to stay alive. Mr. Dopples and his rise to power looked like a simple hand of the torch. Little did anyone know that the fires of this torch would spread to burn more than just Dopples but the very foundation for which we stand on. Mr. Dopples had contacts, informants within the system that nobody had bothered to investigate. With these, he called in help that he thought would be a simple job. To take complete control, he needed an adversary on the front lines. He needed a front man to do his dirty work and to get caught. He called in the best man he got. He appointed Mr. Pine "Apple" Osbourne to Social Technical Assistant and Adviser for the State.

This was a grave mistake. Mr. Dopples thought that with this intervention, he could conduct affairs off the book and get away with it while Osbourne stirred up a fiasco that would cause riots in the very streets and have the attention shifted significantly. However, Osbourne's ulterior motive was hidden in the shadows beneath his furrowed brow. Dopples thought he could get away with murder. Osbourne did too, so he went after Dopples. After a conflict of extreme rage, both sides caved in a debate of the century. The very streets were burning and the rivers ran red with the blood of the innocent and the fearful. Dopples was only able to fight back Osbourne with the power of propaganda and the will of the people. He realized the fatal mistake he had made bringing this leech into the system. It was clear that the system was falling apart. Dopples had to pass the torch fast like a game of hot potato. He realized there's only one option to go for, and he had to do it quickly and discreetly.




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The final nail in the coffin for the YouChew empire.


General Minister and Supreme Commander and Emperor Matthew "Super" Yoshi had to do something, and he had to do it fast. The empire was crumbling quickly and there was no way to keep it stable unless the impossible was done. Matt realized that there were too many liabilities in the system, and that he had to quickly build the fog up so that we couldn't see what they were planning. Matt knew how to take control of the populus without being detected or accused. He realized that to give them funny Keanu Reaves and Bob Dole images, nobody would expect the true fascist revolution that would come down from the top of the administration of our very forum. The foundations that hold us up are tainted by the smell of death and greed all surrounding the belief of equality. Nobody would come to expect what was coming in the future, and the future is still coming for us. Who knows what will come for us next? The tides are turning slowly, and there's no way to find out.

None of us are safe as the days go by. I count them like numbers, a clock slowly clicking down to doomsday. Do you know what power that this very website has been holding above our heads in secrecy for years? There is no hiding from the mad machine of fascism that YouChew has believed in from the very beginning. The War on AIDS was a wakeup call, a revealing that there really is a terror lurking in the shadows. There really is a monster in our closet, waiting to come out and take from us what we've always desired and loved. There is no hope in the places that we stand, were are all just zeroes and ones, pawns placed to be taken in a chess game. Who will take the king first? It is an endless struggle between the masses. Hitler said that he would die with a joyful heart, and so he did. Who will be next to dominate this very forum and keep us under their boots while we pretend we aren't all being controlled?




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What is next?


There's no hope but to stand for yourself. We live in dark times these days. You never know what lurks around the corner. Nobody will ever know. Just know that as long as you are here, Big Brother will be watching us all.