Funny. I don't think in my 9 years on the forum I ever made an introduction topic to begin with. Anyways, hello, my name is Matt. About 12 years ago I messed around in Windows Movie Maker with cartoons based on old video games and submitted those videos to Youtube and somehow that snowballed into some big fad. I dunno what they call it nowadays, but some guy named Conrad made a website based around that fad and a whole community emerged from it. That's kind of neat that thing I did on accident, I guess. Then I joined, stayed around for quite a while, and then left in a rut.
So. So, so, so. It's almost been a year since I left. Funny thinking about it, typing this now it feels like almost no time has past and this is just posting on here as normal. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I'm sure a lot of people are aware of why I left when I did but I'd rather not get back into that because that's all water under the bridge. Truth be told there was a lot more going on than that one situation. That thing that happened in October was more of the last straw in a string of things that made me want to leave. Not really anything particular with the site or community, just a lot of things going on in my head and living situation and all that stuff. Long story short, I wasn't in a very good spot, and being here just didn't help. I thought isolating myself would've made me feel better. In some ways it did, but it mostly didn't. Until about a few weeks ago, late 2015 and most of 2016 was pretty much the worst year I've ever had as far as my mental state goes. Depression came and went more continuously than ever before and on levels worse than it ever had been. Long story short, throughout the year I've been at ends with my job, quit school again after struggling with both pay (financial aid got fucked up last year and I had to pay for the whole semester out of pocket, pretty much taking my entire paycheck the moment I got it) and depression getting in the way of assignments, spent a lot of days/nights not eating, contemplating suicide more frequently and seriously than ever before, I spent a few nights sleeping in my car in parking lots, said car died and I needed to get a new one, got a new car, that car got wrecked in a bad accident a month later, my insurance completely fucked me over and I lost a lot of money. It's been...swell. Just kind of felt like everything went bad at once. And it kind of did. So, again, making a very long story very short, I decided enough was enough and In the spring I decided to look for a better job; had a bunch of interviews for assorted office jobs, some of them even got as far as three interviews, and nothing. Kind of felt like I was going to be stuck in retail forever, which I guess I deserved since I totally fucked up school (Note to anyone under 20 reading this: don't do what I did) and that was kind of it. I was just going around in circles. I was miserable at Gamestop, both because I had been there for almost a decade and gotten very little out of it, and because I realized if I had gone anywhere else retail-wise I'd have to start back at square one making minimum wage which I really didn't want to do. So, in a weird batch of circumstances, everyone at my old but myself and one other person had left. My boss, my assistant manager and the other part-time manager had all moved on to better things. And I was the only one left, they were bringing in a new staff and if I wasn't going to get out of there by my own means, I was going to get "fired" by getting my hours cut and cut until it was down to nothing. But that's another story for another time, because I have a lot to say about that, too.
Anyway, after a bunch of interviews fell through, no calls back, etc. I kind of lost hope until a friend of my old boss told me that the place he works at is losing their IT guy and I've done a bunch of favors as far as modding and fixing systems and whatnot goes so he told me he could put a good word in for me there. And, well, I'm still kind of in shock, but after the interview, I found out pretty much immediately that I got hired. I put in my two weeks at Gamestop, worked the like three or whatever shifts I had left, and wasn't scheduled for the next week, so I've been enjoying myself quite a bit. I worked at Gamestop since 2008 and never once took a vacation or more than two days a week off on my own. So having a full week or so to myself is...really nice to say the very least. My job pretty much starts next week and I'm still enjoying my free birthday week, something I haven't had since I was just out of high school. And I've been doing a lot of thinking. I've realized that, in all this, I'm happy.
I am happy. I haven't been able to say that in such a long time I honestly forgot what it felt like. For the first time in almost a decade things actually feel like they're looking up and I'm no longer miserable about life in general as I have been in the last couple of years, this last year especially. I feel like I've got a whole life ahead of me now. I'm starting a comfortable job in a field I love working full time and, hopefully within a few months, will be living on my own again. I've been packing a lot of things up in preparation for it and it's such an exciting feeling. I almost feel like I don't deserve it but the joy of actually being satisfied with life is overpowering that feeling for once.
And that's why I'm here again. I left here, as well as other communities I was in like 4chan, because I was miserable, and being there didn't help me feel any better. While leaving may not have helped me emotionally like I thought it would, I didn't want to return until I felt like I could. Hard to explain, but I was so unhappy that I felt like I didn't deserve to be anywhere or involved with any communities but minding my own business until I could actually be content with myself. I guess maybe because I used my online life as a form of escapism and I assumed that stopping it would improve my real life situation. In a weird, it didn't, but circumstances beyond the internet helped with that anyway.
So, I don't know really what to say. I'm not really 'back' so to speak, but I'm just here to say hello to those few who would like to exchange words with me again. Not that it really concerned anyone but me, but I'm okay now. Hello again.