• Announcements

    • Joosh

      YouChews the Winners Now Open!   04/16/2018

      This year's YouChews the Winners awards is now open! Details can be found here:   Voting can be done here: http://youchew.net/index.php?/youchews-the-winners
Sign in to follow this  

[Photopoop] Squada-AHH! We're Ticked Off!

0 replies to this topic

Recommended Posts


Squada-AHH, We're Ticked Off!

Issue #3 -- April 20th, 2012 — The Monthly Chew


[Photo courtest of freelance photographer DeanBurrito25]

Osaquada Bin LaMan, the notorious villain to freedom and civil rights from the kingdom of Hyrule(1), had been confirmed as a pile of ash for quite some time since the actions of Seal Team 6 under orders of Disney Corporation(2), putting an end to the raging war once and for all--The Chewnited States was at rest, for the most part, once more, and it seemed as if we could put all of the horrible events of The Faces of Evil behind us. Then Sqauda Bin La-Man unexpectedly rose from his grave, and IT began...

The Instant Turban, that is. Nobody thought that this deplorable man who for so long terrorized YouTube Poop could get any worse, but he had. He had become... A DOOR-TO-DOOR SALESMAN! Safety was no longer assured for anyone simply watching TV, eating dinner, or completing chores, for Squada Bin LaMan was there to interrupt it, knocking on their door in his smug and undignified way to force upon them his worthless product — the Instant Turban (designed to make life easier for those who wear turbans by saving them the time of wrapping it themselves). For the past week he has been on a non-stop knocking binge, first starting in the quaint cul-de-sac of Peach Creek, then moving to the bustling city of Mobius, taking a detour through the abandoned town of Post Your Waifu, and finally knocking on the doors of The Mushroom Kingdom.

King Queen him herself has expressed its outrage as herm door was knocked on this afternoon. (S)he would have none of this man's “silly business” and “humbug'n guff”. It was having tea with their replacement advisor—Fat Drunk Guy Who Wants Something Spicy(3)—when the “dreadful cacophany that sounded of thousands of wrinkled hands smashing against the castle gate” echoed throughout the halls. The sound caused the pair to drop their teacups onto the floor and spill their contents upon the stone below. “The cups were not broken, but they could have been,” King Queen noted “It's the principal of the matter... If I have my way, he'll scrub all the floors of YouChew!”


The King Queen rarely makes appearances, as she/he's very ashamed of the appearance of its beard. [Photo courtesy of Mr. Towes]

People everywhere report similar occurances, complaining as well of how Osaquada Bin LaMan reeked of a dirty wizard and had noticeable sweat stains on the pits of his robe. Not only that, but they felt like every use for the Instant Turban as described by the man sounded completely false and spoken completely insincerely. He claimed that it was a fast and easy way to fix virtually anything and everything, that it could soak up soda spilled on the carpet, and that it Olympic divers use it as a towel. I looked into these things personally, and found that the Instant Turban didn't even exist until the return of the carpet rider (at which point there had been no Olympics held), and that nobody EVER has purchased or used it, not even the wizard himself. There's no way to validate his own claims.

Nations have begun preparations for a second assassination of Osquada before he reaches their own doorsteps, as pretty much nobody wants a man in gaudy drab trying to sell them something they would never need. The only ones to speak positively of the gauze-pusher are those of the darker outside community known as the YouLewsers, whose members include the illustrious Naval Officer Homsar, dastardly Head of Intelligence Committee Oz , and the misunderstood Supreme King Homer the 45th. None of them would be caught dead wearing or using this product themselves, but support his efforts nonetheless, probably due to the grief it causes their banishers. Officer Homsar was quoted saying that “osquad bin labmen wont be stopped until turtles is can't fly!” followed by a bunch of rhetoric involving the ethical treatment of ponies and how he had aspirations to go to space or something like that.(4)


Homsar flaunts his claims whilst somehow riding upon the back of a genetically-altered skyturtle. [Photo courtesy of Hoipendaddy]

Well, the cannons, samurai, and giant robots lining the streets of Anime/Manga Image Spam (Also known as New Post Your Waifu) seem to speak otherwise. With the kawaii girls and generic male characters prepared to strike when the dirty wizard makes his appearance, it's only a matter of time until we see an end to these antics. There are also rumors of some sort of Chiseled Stone coming from the Mushroom Kingdom to keep him from returning once again. Even if this effort fails, there is no doubt that we will see an end to Osaquada Bin Laman, so keep your faith, your door locked, and your wallets closely guarded!

* This article is sponsored by the Instant Turbine: “For when you need it, and you need it fast!”


Mushroom Table Conference Meetings

Fred Phelps street performances

Koopa Krud Kram and affiliated group transcripts

Field Research conducted in my back yard

“Threat to Our Sales: The Instant Turban” - Instant Turbine Monthly Magazine

Completely Made Up Book — Page 41, chapter 5.”The Nonexistening”


1. His previous deplorable acts include turning wine into water, turning innocent mushroom people blue and red, and taking candy from babies.

2. As you may remember, Disney Corporation copyrighted the Seal Team 6 name, and thus owns all rights to claims based upon the groups actions.

3. Readers will recall was hand-chosen, after Osquada went rogue 10 years before, for his reliable drunkenness and ability to discern enemy weaknesses out of nowhere.

4. To be honest, nobody was paying attention at this point.

For staying strike free for 7 years. Hosting the 2015 YouChew Secret Santa Art Exchange God the Hedgehog For having a blog entry featured. Chewbot gives congrats for not getting any warnings for over 5 years Halloween Festival awards. Participating in Chew-Or-Treat 2013 For participating in the 2013 Ghostly Art Halloween contest Apparently I was eligible for this all along. Chewbot gives congrats for being strike free for over 3 years Certainly quite a few pictures you've made there. For his 2011 Festival contribution

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this