Spaceman Schmuck

Shitty movies you've seen recently

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TheOneManBoxOffice

Godzilla vs. Megalon

 

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TVBForever

88 Minutes

...of my life wasted.

No I'm not sorry.

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appdirect

Nothing but Trouble.

Dan Aykroyd in an old suit with a penis nose and John Candy in a drag.

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TheOneManBoxOffice

Santa's Slay

It's an incredibly stupid movie, almost about as cheesy as a TV movie on the Disney Channel, but I watch it every year since my dad introduced it to me, and is considered a guilty pleasure of mine.

For getting all the standard and limited ornaments For leaving something out for the Grinch and Robotnikclaus For getting all the standard ornaments Pleeeease, your omnipotence... have mercy! For Grounder's sake HE MENTIONED IT! User with Coolest Signatures 2017

User with Most Aesthetically Pleasing Signatures 2017 Best Writer 2017 That's how I beat Shaq! ... Wait EYELASHES! For receiving candy during the Valentine's Day event! Lucario For completing The Legend of Zelda during the community challenge. For collecting all the cards For getting 20 awards For collecting all the gold cards For completing the original Legend of Zelda during the community challenge. For collecting all the silver cards For collecting all the bronze cards Participated in the YouChew Easter Basket event For staying strike free for 3 years. Participated in the 2015 YouChew Secret Santa Art Exchange  For participating in the 2015 Ghostly Art Contest! Testing the IPS 4.0 Update Hey, g-give me a boost Mario. Best Writer 2015
Best Writer 2016 You want it? MMMMMM...it's yours, my friend! Bringing on joestrange8 Share a Coke with YouChew For writing 10330 words worth in blog entries. For having a blog entry featured. Chewbot gives congrats for not getting any warnings for over 1 year Chewbot gives congrats for uploading 25 videos Chewbot gives congrats for uploading 6 videos

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TheOneManBoxOffice

Santa Claus

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For getting all the standard and limited ornaments For leaving something out for the Grinch and Robotnikclaus For getting all the standard ornaments Pleeeease, your omnipotence... have mercy! For Grounder's sake HE MENTIONED IT! User with Coolest Signatures 2017

User with Most Aesthetically Pleasing Signatures 2017 Best Writer 2017 That's how I beat Shaq! ... Wait EYELASHES! For receiving candy during the Valentine's Day event! Lucario For completing The Legend of Zelda during the community challenge. For collecting all the cards For getting 20 awards For collecting all the gold cards For completing the original Legend of Zelda during the community challenge. For collecting all the silver cards For collecting all the bronze cards Participated in the YouChew Easter Basket event For staying strike free for 3 years. Participated in the 2015 YouChew Secret Santa Art Exchange  For participating in the 2015 Ghostly Art Contest! Testing the IPS 4.0 Update Hey, g-give me a boost Mario. Best Writer 2015
Best Writer 2016 You want it? MMMMMM...it's yours, my friend! Bringing on joestrange8 Share a Coke with YouChew For writing 10330 words worth in blog entries. For having a blog entry featured. Chewbot gives congrats for not getting any warnings for over 1 year Chewbot gives congrats for uploading 25 videos Chewbot gives congrats for uploading 6 videos

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SharkhamAsylum

Saturn 3.

What if the man who directed Singin' in the Rain and Damn Yankees! decided to make his comeback with a robot-themed Alien-knockoff written by one-man-unpleasantry Martin Amis, and he got Kirk Douglas and Farrah Fawcett to star with Harvey Keitel, and then all the production design was done by the Star Wars guy?

I'll tell you what you get: disappointing shlock.

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SharkhamAsylum

I'm gonna say it...The Nightmare Before Christmas. Don't shoot me. Maybe I don't like musicals as much as I think I should.

Don't get me wrong, I totally get why it's so popular and beloved. It's undoubtedly still a landmark piece of animation and style, with gleefully grotesque character design (and artistic direction all around, really). But I didn't like the songs as much as everyone else does. I think Elfman's orchestration is great but when characters were actually singing and dancing I mostly just hoped each song would end soon, my favorite exceptions being "What's This?" and "Sally's Song." Even the iconic onslaught of "This is Halloween," which has a great, thumping melody, loses me the longer it goes on lyrically. If there's a fully instrumental version of the soundtrack I might actually love to hear it.

Jack Skellington sucks. He's an arrogant ingrate whose arrogance is centered by the narrative and that'd be forgivable if every other character in the movie weren't much more interesting than he is. I loved the dainty vampires and I loved the devil-man and most of all I loved those cool cadavers with a saxophone, cello, and accordion that occasionally supplied diegetic music. Sally is arguably the real "hero" of the story, and the one we're supposed to appreciate the most, but for all the potential depth she could have had she spends most of her time lamenting over Jack out of some crush. What do you see in him, Sally?

Oogie Boogie is really cool but I'm really disappointed that the casino aesthetics are just that, aesthetics. He barges into the film throwing dice and spinning slots, but...why does he like to gamble? What is his place in the world? Is he just down there singing to himself all day, or do people actually go to gamble with him? He surely has a place in the world, and surely has a beef with Jack Skellington (and I guess the whole town), but I would have loved to see him explored a bit more. He rings as a rather arbitrary throwback to old cartoons about the "horrors" of gambling (the uncomfortable racial baggage of which was recently resurrected in discussions about Cuphead, and is perpetuated in Nightmare by Oogie Boogie's black actor, the only prominent one in the film—a touch of relevance I couldn't help thinking about during the song).

I think it'd be fair for me to say that I like the "world" of the film, and I like its tone, but I don't like the story they chose to tell with it because it feels like so much of what is actually interesting to me personally about it got relegated out of the diegesis.

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The Pope

So I was on a flight from Chicago to San Francisco, and with as little self-respect as possible, I bit the bullet and watched Suicide Squad, as it's the only non-Justice League DCEU movie I've yet to see (and I'll probably wait for that one to come out on video to see it, if ever).

Jesus. I think Batman v Superman was more artistically offensive in terms of the source material, but from a raw technical level, I haven't seen a movie as bad as Suicide Squad (at least one as high profile) in quite a long time. What an ugly, stupid, choppy mess.

Really, Folding Ideas puts it better than I ever could in terms of its godawful editing and structure.

 

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SharkhamAsylum

I watched suicide squad on a lark with my roommates and it gave me a migraine that lasted three days

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TVBForever

One Missed Call

It was a... missed opportunity... to be redeemable.

I'm sorry you guys. I wasn't funny to begin with, but even then my point is that it sucks.

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LordSmeargle

Netflix's Death Note

I am ashamed that this film was my first official foray for this anime franchise. This film took everything about the series, burned it and tried to save the whole thing by sticky-taping what's left of the book. Light is downgraded severely which strips him of his stoicism, Mi(s)a's goals on getting the book baffles me, "L" is admittedly lame in the film (even if the actor tried to perfect his mannerisms, Nate River still would've beaten Light more competently without question), the 80's music - while awesome - feels out of place for a modern film, and it doesn't feel like a genuine Death Note product despite carrying the black book. The only unanimously good thing about the film is Willem Dafoe being the voice of Ryuk; leave it to him to salvage such a bad adaptation.

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Deaniac

Freddy Got Fingered

Watching this movie is like staring into the uncaring, depraved eyes of insanity. It marches by the beat of its own drum, except the beat is a loud, jumbled travesty of a drum solo, slapped together without rhyme or reason, or any semblance to rhythm at all. Also, the drum itself is a metal trash bin being whacked repeatedly on the side by a broomstick.

It is also the greatest shitty movie I've ever watched, providing me with too many belly laughs to count, primarily at the expense of subsequent self questioning, specifically...

A.) "Why?"

B.) "What the fuck?"

C.) A and B

I would never describe the viewing experience of Freddy Got Fingered as "life changing", but I would wager that somewhere in a bizarro, alternative universe, the movie is being lauded as peak modern cinema, securing its place in the National Film Registry for being "culturally, historically, or historically significant", and that is an equally humorous and troubling thought. If the title of this movie by itself does not make you so much as raise an eyebrow, then clearly nothing in this world surprises you anymore and I fear you.

Anyway that Eminem lyric about Tom Green humping a dead moose makes a lot more sense now

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The Titan

Alien: Covenant

 

This movie raped my soul. Ridely Scott is the new George Lucas. He's ruining the alien franchise with bad cgi and gay Michael Fassbender robots. 

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TVBForever

All Eyez on Me

A Tupac biopic is an outstanding idea but the execution of this fails hard.

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LordSmeargle

Bad Teacher

While it is interesting that Cameron Diaz (Shrek franchise) plays a gold-digging returning teacher, intent on getting a breast enhancement... she wants to do so just by stealing school money. I swear, the only reason Elizabeth is being the followed main character is because Cameron Diaz actually agreed to appear in this film. It's a shame because good-natured Amy Squirrel (played by Lucy Punch with an impressive Chicago accent) was phenomenal in this and she should've been more respected in the film... and yet she is not only wrongfully treated as the villain, but also was in a school of unusually odd teachers (one played by Marshall from How I Met Your Mother, another played by Justin Timberlake) and an easily-swayed visually blind Principal. If the film was portrayed for drama and the supporting characters more polished, perhaps the whole film would be better.

This movie expected me to root for Cameron Diaz just because. Even if she did become a better person with an ounce of self-respect, it doesn't change the fact that she played a gold-digger from the start and did everything in her damn power to ruin one teacher's life (who only wanted to be a friend) just to attempt to hitch up to a substitute. Karma is what she deserved and should've got, and it never came. Not even in the form of a rotten, ivy-covered apple.

Oh, and Gibby from iCarly is in this, and he plays a bully.

For leaving something out for the Grinch and Robotnikclaus For getting all the standard ornaments For getting 20 awards Participating in the Halloween costume event for 5 years For staying strike free for 5 years. For collecting all the cards For collecting all the gold cards For collecting all the silver cards For collecting all the bronze cards Top 10 Videos of Oct 2015 / Top 10 Videos of Nov 2015 Participated in the 2015 YouTube Poop Secret Santa For writing 10742 words worth in blog entries. For having a blog entry featured. Chewbot gives congrats for uploading 50 videos Anything Goes 30-Seconds Collab: Second Coming Chewbot gives congrats for not getting any warnings for over 3 years September 2013 - "From Wednesday to Monday" (Sentence mix-core) Chewbot gives congrats for having 25 videos with a 5 star rating Chewbot gives congrats for not getting any warnings for over 1 year Chewbot gives congrats for uploading 25 videos Chewbot gives congrats for uploading 14 videos

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TheOneManBoxOffice

War of the Colossal Beast

For getting all the standard and limited ornaments For leaving something out for the Grinch and Robotnikclaus For getting all the standard ornaments Pleeeease, your omnipotence... have mercy! For Grounder's sake HE MENTIONED IT! User with Coolest Signatures 2017

User with Most Aesthetically Pleasing Signatures 2017 Best Writer 2017 That's how I beat Shaq! ... Wait EYELASHES! For receiving candy during the Valentine's Day event! Lucario For completing The Legend of Zelda during the community challenge. For collecting all the cards For getting 20 awards For collecting all the gold cards For completing the original Legend of Zelda during the community challenge. For collecting all the silver cards For collecting all the bronze cards Participated in the YouChew Easter Basket event For staying strike free for 3 years. Participated in the 2015 YouChew Secret Santa Art Exchange  For participating in the 2015 Ghostly Art Contest! Testing the IPS 4.0 Update Hey, g-give me a boost Mario. Best Writer 2015
Best Writer 2016 You want it? MMMMMM...it's yours, my friend! Bringing on joestrange8 Share a Coke with YouChew For writing 10330 words worth in blog entries. For having a blog entry featured. Chewbot gives congrats for not getting any warnings for over 1 year Chewbot gives congrats for uploading 25 videos Chewbot gives congrats for uploading 6 videos

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