Spaceman Schmuck

Shitty movies you've seen recently

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SharkhamAsylum

I'm gonna say it...The Nightmare Before Christmas. Don't shoot me. Maybe I don't like musicals as much as I think I should.

Don't get me wrong, I totally get why it's so popular and beloved. It's undoubtedly still a landmark piece of animation and style, with gleefully grotesque character design (and artistic direction all around, really). But I didn't like the songs as much as everyone else does. I think Elfman's orchestration is great but when characters were actually singing and dancing I mostly just hoped each song would end soon, my favorite exceptions being "What's This?" and "Sally's Song." Even the iconic onslaught of "This is Halloween," which has a great, thumping melody, loses me the longer it goes on lyrically. If there's a fully instrumental version of the soundtrack I might actually love to hear it.

Jack Skellington sucks. He's an arrogant ingrate whose arrogance is centered by the narrative and that'd be forgivable if every other character in the movie weren't much more interesting than he is. I loved the dainty vampires and I loved the devil-man and most of all I loved those cool cadavers with a saxophone, cello, and accordion that occasionally supplied diegetic music. Sally is arguably the real "hero" of the story, and the one we're supposed to appreciate the most, but for all the potential depth she could have had she spends most of her time lamenting over Jack out of some crush. What do you see in him, Sally?

Oogie Boogie is really cool but I'm really disappointed that the casino aesthetics are just that, aesthetics. He barges into the film throwing dice and spinning slots, but...why does he like to gamble? What is his place in the world? Is he just down there singing to himself all day, or do people actually go to gamble with him? He surely has a place in the world, and surely has a beef with Jack Skellington (and I guess the whole town), but I would have loved to see him explored a bit more. He rings as a rather arbitrary throwback to old cartoons about the "horrors" of gambling (the uncomfortable racial baggage of which was recently resurrected in discussions about Cuphead, and is perpetuated in Nightmare by Oogie Boogie's black actor, the only prominent one in the film—a touch of relevance I couldn't help thinking about during the song).

I think it'd be fair for me to say that I like the "world" of the film, and I like its tone, but I don't like the story they chose to tell with it because it feels like so much of what is actually interesting to me personally about it got relegated out of the diegesis.

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TAZ

I watched Armageddon on Christmas lol. The science was off. Nothing made sense. 

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The Pope

So I was on a flight from Chicago to San Francisco, and with as little self-respect as possible, I bit the bullet and watched Suicide Squad, as it's the only non-Justice League DCEU movie I've yet to see (and I'll probably wait for that one to come out on video to see it, if ever).

Jesus. I think Batman v Superman was more artistically offensive in terms of the source material, but from a raw technical level, I haven't seen a movie as bad as Suicide Squad (at least one as high profile) in quite a long time. What an ugly, stupid, choppy mess.

Really, Folding Ideas puts it better than I ever could in terms of its godawful editing and structure.

 

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SharkhamAsylum

I watched suicide squad on a lark with my roommates and it gave me a migraine that lasted three days

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Cornflakes

Point Break (the 2015 one)

God what a shit remake.

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TVBForever
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  • One Missed Call

    It was a... missed opportunity... to be redeemable.

    I'm sorry you guys. I wasn't funny to begin with, but even then my point is that it sucks.

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    LordSmeargle

    Netflix's Death Note

    I am ashamed that this film was my first official foray for this anime franchise. This film took everything about the series, burned it and tried to save the whole thing by sticky-taping what's left of the book. Light is downgraded severely which strips him of his stoicism, Mi(s)a's goals on getting the book baffles me, "L" is admittedly lame in the film (even if the actor tried to perfect his mannerisms, Nate River still would've beaten Light more competently without question), the 80's music - while awesome - feels out of place for a modern film, and it doesn't feel like a genuine Death Note product despite carrying the black book. The only unanimously good thing about the film is Willem Dafoe being the voice of Ryuk; leave it to him to salvage such a bad adaptation.

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    Deaniac

    Freddy Got Fingered

    Watching this movie is like staring into the uncaring, depraved eyes of insanity. It marches by the beat of its own drum, except the beat is a loud, jumbled travesty of a drum solo, slapped together without rhyme or reason, or any semblance to rhythm at all. Also, the drum itself is a metal trash bin being whacked repeatedly on the side by a broomstick.

    It is also the greatest shitty movie I've ever watched, providing me with too many belly laughs to count, primarily at the expense of subsequent self questioning, specifically...

    A.) "Why?"

    B.) "What the fuck?"

    C.) A and B

    I would never describe the viewing experience of Freddy Got Fingered as "life changing", but I would wager that somewhere in a bizarro, alternative universe, the movie is being lauded as peak modern cinema, securing its place in the National Film Registry for being "culturally, historically, or historically significant", and that is an equally humorous and troubling thought. If the title of this movie by itself does not make you so much as raise an eyebrow, then clearly nothing in this world surprises you anymore and I fear you.

    Anyway that Eminem lyric about Tom Green humping a dead moose makes a lot more sense now

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    TVBForever
  • Banned
  • Leonard Part 6

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    The Titan

    Alien: Covenant

     

    This movie raped my soul. Ridely Scott is the new George Lucas. He's ruining the alien franchise with bad cgi and gay Michael Fassbender robots. 

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    TVBForever
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  • All Eyez on Me

    A Tupac biopic is an outstanding idea but the execution of this fails hard.

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    LordSmeargle

    Bad Teacher

    While it is interesting that Cameron Diaz (Shrek franchise) plays a gold-digging returning teacher, intent on getting a breast enhancement... she wants to do so just by stealing school money. I swear, the only reason Elizabeth is being the followed main character is because Cameron Diaz actually agreed to appear in this film. It's a shame because good-natured Amy Squirrel (played by Lucy Punch with an impressive Chicago accent) was phenomenal in this and she should've been more respected in the film... and yet she is not only wrongfully treated as the villain, but also was in a school of unusually odd teachers (one played by Marshall from How I Met Your Mother, another played by Justin Timberlake) and an easily-swayed visually blind Principal. If the film was portrayed for drama and the supporting characters more polished, perhaps the whole film would be better.

    This movie expected me to root for Cameron Diaz just because. Even if she did become a better person with an ounce of self-respect, it doesn't change the fact that she played a gold-digger from the start and did everything in her damn power to ruin one teacher's life (who only wanted to be a friend) just to attempt to hitch up to a substitute. Karma is what she deserved and should've got, and it never came. Not even in the form of a rotten, ivy-covered apple.

    Oh, and Gibby from iCarly is in this, and he plays a bully.

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    TheOneManBoxOffice

    War of the Colossal Beast

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  • Baywatch

     

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    LordSmeargle

    Smokey and the Bandit - Part 3

    If it wasn't for Jackie Gleason's (The Hustler) spirited performance as Buford T. Justice, there wouldn't have been a whole lot of good to write home about the film. Clocking in at 81 minutes (PAL version), the film has a bit of filler, especially at the beginning, with the titles thinking that it is Star Wars before showcasing Buford's attempt to apprehend (and fail to do so with) the Bandit in two minutes. The Enos duo decide to coax Buford into a bet of a quarter of a million dollars (with Buford's badge as collateral) to deliver a shark mascot for the Enos' (misspelt as 'Enis') Fish 'n' Chips. Unhappy with retirement, Buford accepts and brings Junior - also played by a returning Mike Henry (Tarzan film series) - along with him, which drives the plot ten minutes in.

    Jerry Reed (Gator) ends up playing the Bandit this time while Burt Reynolds appears in a small cameo, with Colleen Camp (Game of Death) filling in for Sally Field. As a fun fact, Jerry Reed was actually considered for the role of the Bandit from the first film before Reynolds agreed to be the lead. Snowman actually lampshades this, as he gushes over being the Bandit before driving the Trans Am that would go on to star in the TV Series Knight Rider.

    To its credit, this movie actually has a soundtrack that can go toe-to-toe with the first two films, including the end credits song "Ticket for the Wind". It's definitely not the best way for the series to end, but Gleason tried with all his heart to make it work. If you can find the film, then it could be worth seeing just for him and the end song.

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    Brillemeister

    Forever My Girl is  a fucking abomination. At least Nicholas Sparks movies make sense. Here's my review.

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    trepmaws

    Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

    The action scenes were entertaining with how ridiculous they were, but boy was the exposition clumsy and humor hit-and-miss. Doesn't help that none of the new or returning characters were that fun to watch this time around, even Barbossa, who was one of my favorites in movies 1 and 3. Oh well.

    Spoiler

    Also, Jack starts demanding tribute from his crew, which I figured was due to him falling on hard times, but Salazar's flashback suggests this is always something Jack does? It's been a while since I've seen the first three movies and I haven't seen 4 yet, but did I miss something?

     

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    Jarret91

    The Last Jedi: I've decided to let this film set after watching it for the first time, so that I could reflect on it. After weeks have passed all I can find myself saying is that. "It's okay." I wouldn't say it's the worst film I've seen of 2017 definitely flawed don't get me wrong there. It felt way too long at certain points, which could have been easily trimmed to a more tolerable time. The Canto Bight subplot could have worked like say in the vains of the Cairo scene from Raiders. Something fun, to take the serious edge off of it. I'm all for. But in the end it just felt tacked just to give Finn something to do while Rey trained under Luke.

    Another thing. For so much that focused on the Jedi, we don't get much insight of the teachings Luke brought. We just get a connection to the force, that's it. That whole ordeal was underwhelming to say. Now I am not against the idea of a bitter older Jedi Luke, but I felt it could have been done better. What triggered the whole Kylo Ren aspect, yeah I am sure you've heard it before. "This man brought Darth Vader back to the light, and yet he was going to kill his nephew." What was the point? To add drama? They could have kept it to where Ben turned, but Luke pushing just because he felt a great sense of the Darkside within him? Yeah..kind of itchy. Knights of Ren? Where the fuck where they? Did they just forget about them for shits and giggles? Possibly, wouldn't be surprised.

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    Nozdordomu

    Well, Luke almost killed Darth Vader in Return of the Jedi, but decided against it, and that's pretty much what happened here. He was only really planning on killing Kylo Ren for like a second, before realizing he couldn't do it. Maybe that second was still too much for a lot of people - it was for Kylo Ren, obviously - but he's not a murderer, and it didn't feel like drama for drama's sake. It seems like one generation invariably turns on the last one in Star Wars, whatever the exact reasons are.

    I agree on the Canto Bight subplot, though. I don't mind social commentary, but it didn't really go anywhere, and it's annoying to see Finn sidelined in his own damn subplot.

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    The Pope

    The point they were trying to get across with the Canto Bight subplot is tearing down the system of elites, which ties in to Rey's story. She's not a Skywalker or a Solo or part of some grand dynasty; she's just some nobody. It's why the random slave kid also getting the force was also important; the message of the movie is basically "Up until now this whole series has been about royal families, now it's about random nobodies being able to assert themselves".

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