Source Transcripts - The Newest Michael Rosen Videos
The second entry in this series are the recent videos uploaded to the Artificedesign channel. As of this original writing, not all of the videos have been uploaded yet (6 out of 10). When they eventually do get uploaded, this blog post will be edited with the new transcripts.
Update: All videos have been accounted for, including two extra ones that were filmed.
Nat and Anna at the Doctors - 1:58
Little Nat and his older sister Anna are at the doctor's. Nat and Anna sat in the waiting room with Mum. Anna said "When I grow up, I'm going to be a doctor." Nat said "When I grow up, I'm going to be a doctor." Anna said "I don't want you to be a doctor." Nat said "You can't stop me! Loook, I'm a doctor!" Anna said "No, you're not. You're Nat." Nat said "I'm Doctor Nat, the doctor!" Anna said "So... I'm Doctor Anna." Nat said "I'm the doctor 'round here. You can be a lorry driver." Anna said "I don't wanna be a lorry driver!" Nat said "You can be ill. You got a headache." Anna said "I'm not playing this anymore, Nat." Nat said "I am. I'm Doctor Nat, I'm Doctor Nat!" Anna said "You're not! You're Doctor Sick, because you're sick all the time!" Nat said "I'm not sick all the time!" Anna said "Doctor Sick, Sick, Sick!" Nat said "You're getting really ill, Anna, and I'm going to make you better." Nat sat on Anna. Anna said "I'm not ill, I'm not ill, I'm NOT ILL!" Mum looked up. Mum said "You are ill, Anna. That's why we've come to see the doctor, okay?" Nat said "Anna is Doctor Sick!" Anna said "Next time you're ill, Nat, I'm gonna be Doctor Jump, and I'm coming to jump on you!" Nat said "Oh, don't, Anna." Anna said "Yes, I will! Jump, jump, jump, all over you!" Nat sat and thought about Anna jumping on him. Nat said... "Hey, Anna. Look. Let's both be ill, eh?" Anna said "No... let's both be Doctor Jump!" *creepy grin*
The Noise - 3:24
The noise. If my father wanted you to be quiet, he didn't say "Shush!" He didn't say "Be quiet!" He didn't say "Shut up!" All he did was put his hand up to the side of his face and say in a quiet voice, that sounded as if there was some kind of... terrible pain in the middle of his brain, "The nooooiise." It was as if the palm of his hand was trying to reach inside his head to get at some awful thing in there. So, we would be going on a car trip; Dad driving, Mum next to him, me and my brother in the back. My brother says "There's an imaginary line down the middle of the back seat. I am this side, you're that side. You can't cross the line. I'm this side of the line. You're that side of the line. So-" "Yeah, yeah, I know. I get the point," I would say, "There's a line." "And you can't cross the line," he says, so I say "Yeah yeah yeah, I know. I get the point. I won't cross the line." And then I stick my hand over the line. "Nah-nah nah-nah-nah!" "Hey!" he says, "You crossed the line!" "I didn't! Nah-nah nah-nah-nah!" And I stick my hand across the line again and again. "Nah-nah nah-nah-nah!" "YOU CROSSED THE LINE!", he says. "I didn't!", I say! And I stick my hand across the line again and again. "Nah-nah nah-nah-nah!" "MUM, HE CROSSED THE LINE!" "I DIDN'T!", I say. And my dad's hand goes up to the side of his face, and... "The nooooiise!" My brother used to imitate it. If I was making a racket, my brother would walk 'round the house going "The noooise! The noooise!" So, it's breakfast. My dad couldn't stand any noise at breakfast. One *sniff* and it was... the glare. He comes downstairs, sits down in the chair, opens up the newspaper. You can't see him. He disappeared. One moment, you've got a Dad, and the next, all you've got is a newspaper! All you can see is his hand. It comes out from behind the newspaper, moves across the table all on its own, finds the cup of coffee, and then disappears behind the newspaper. He didn't even drop the newspaper to see where the cup was! He just knew where it was! We used to stare at the hand coming out, grabbing the cup, disappearing behind the paper. *long stare* Once, my brother moved the coffee cup. He goes *Michael makes his lips say "Ssh! I'm going to move the coffee cup"*. The hand came out. *hand searches all over the place* Couldn't find the cup! The newspaper came down. "What's going on?!" said my dad. He grabs the cup, and disappears again behind the paper. And once, I sat there, and a little voice inside me said "Hey... Why don't you practice playing drums on the side of the table?" And I said "Noo... that'd be crazy. Dad can't stand any noise at breakfast." And the little voice said "Yeah. But you know you want to. Go on, here - pick up the knife and fork and PSSCH CCH CCH PSSCH CCH CCH PFFT! Away you go." "Nononono, I couldn't." But I did! Knife, fork, side of the table, and... PSSCH CCH CCH PSSCH CCH CCH PFFT! The newspaper came down and my dad's hand went up to the side of his face, and he started to say "The nooooiise!" But my brother was in there quick with "The noooooyyyse!" And my dad was left there with his hand in midair, still trying to say "The-" *traumatized stare*
Gymnastics - 3:54
Gymnastics. When my mum and dad went out, we moved the chair to the end of the settee, and then we used to take it in turns to do dive-bombs off the chair, onto the settee. "Standby... WHEEEEEEEEEE!" Ker-flump! Great. Jump down onto the floor, back onto the chair. "Standby for the dive-bomb! WHEEEEEEEEEE!" Ker-flump! "Wow! Did you see that one?" Then, we put another chair on the other end of the settee, and rammed the table up close to that chair. Then, you could dive-bomb off the chair, onto the settee - WHEEEEE! Ker-flump! - climb onto the chair on the other end of the settee, then up onto the table, leap off the table like a RED DEVIL! "YAAAAHOOOO!" BAAAM! Onto the floor. Then, we piled up all the cushions in the corner so you could go tunneling along the wall, 'round the corner, back to the chair, next to the settee - jugga-jugga-jugga-jugga-jugga - and banging your feet on the floorboards - THUDATHUDATHUDATHUDATHUDA! Greaaat! I asked Harrybo, Tony Sanders, Lizzie Gray, and Hendie over, and all seven of us went 'round! Greeeat! Next day, we all met up, and it was Lizzie who said "Hey! After we've dive-bombed the settee, we could trampoline for a bit! Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy! And then if we pulled the flaps out of the table, we could do marching on the table! Clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp!" "Great!" I said. "Come over!" "Yeah! We'll come over for gymnastics at Rose's place!" So that night, we dashed out of school, into our front room, moved the furniture around, and away we went. "Standby for dive-bomb!" WHEEEEEEEEEE! Ker-flump! Onto the settee - trampoline! Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy! Up onto chair number two, up onto the table! March! Clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp! RED DEVIL! "YAAAAHOOOO!" BAAAAAAM! Onto the floor! Jugga-jugga-jugga-jugga, under the cushions, thudda thudda thudda thudda, and back onto chair number one. All seven of us. Great!! Screaming our heads off 'round and 'round our gymnastics course! Then the doorbell rang. Right in the middle of our session. The doorbell. I went and answered the door. It was the man from downstairs. He looked at me for a long time... and then, he started to speak. "Is your father in?!" "No," I said. "Tell him... I want a word with him when he comes in, will you?" he said. "Yeah," I said. He went on looking at me. I could hear him breathing, and his eyes were getting big, and his mouth was tightening up. And he shouted "MY LIGHT FITTING HAS JUST FALLEN OUT OF MY CEILING! WHAT'S GOING ON?! I'VE NEVER HEARD ANYTHING LIKE IT! WHAT HAVE YOU GOT IN THERE, HM?! I'VE HEARD OF ELEPHANTS! MY LIGHT FITTING HAS JUST FALLEN OUT OF MY CEILING!" Then, all quiet, he said "I shall tell your mother and father about this. Don't you worry, sonny. You'll see." He went indoors. I dashed back to the front room. They were lying about all over the floor, panting and giggling. "YEAAAH, HA-HA!" "Tha- haa- That was the man from downstairs. He says we've bust his light or something!" "Blimey," one of them says, "whoof, you're in trouble." "Yeah, Rose's in trouble," they said. And they got up, off the floor and dashed out the house. You can bet they didn't... hang about or anything.
Nat and Anna at the Beach - 3:12
Little Nat and his older sister Anna are at the beach. Nat and Anna were walking along the beach. Anna said "You've got to look out for jellyfish, Nat." Nat said "I am looking out for jellyfish, Anna." Anna said "They're enormous!" Nat said "I know they are." Anna said "And they're very yellow!" Nat said "I know they are." Anna said "And they sting." Nat said "Oh." Anna said "They sting very hard, and it hurts." Nat said "Oh." Nat started to walk very slowly, and he was looking at the sand very hard. Anna said "Come on, Nat, keep up!" Nat said "I am, Anna." Anna said "What's the matter, Nat?" Nat said "Nothing!" Anna said "Are you... worried about something, Nat?" Nat said "No." Anna said "Come on, then!" Nat said "Look out! That's a jellyfish, Anna! It's gonna sting me! I wanna go back! That's a jellyfish, Anna!" Anna said "Where?!" Nat said "There!" Anna said "...That's a piece of seaweed, Nat." Nat went on, walking very slowly, looking at the sand very hard. Anna said "Stop there, Nat! Don't move!" Nat said "I know! I can see it! I can see the jellyfish! It's a really big one! It's gonna sting me! I wanna go back, Anna!" Anna said "Oh... it's flown away." Nat said "What's flown away?" Anna said "That seagull." Nat said "But I'm looking at the jellyfish! It's gonna sting me! I wanna go back, Anna! That's a jellyfish, Anna!" Anna said "Where?!" Nat said "There!" Anna said "...That's a piece of wood, Nat." Nat went on walking very slowly. Nat said "Hey, Anna." Anna said "Yeah?" Nat said "What's that?" Anna screamed "YAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" Nat said "What's the matter?" Anna said "...That's a jellyfish! Don't touch it, Nat! Don't go anywhere near it, Nat! It's a jellyfish!" Nat said "Anna...?" Anna said "Don't talk, Nat. Don't say anything." Nat said "Anna..." Anna said "Don't move, Nat! Don't move! It's gonna sting me! I wanna go back... it's a jellyfish, Nat!" Nat said "Anna... it's an old balloon." Anna looked at it for a long time. Anna said "So... so what if it is?" Nat and Anna went very quiet. Anna said "You afraid of jellyfish, Nat?" Nat said "A bit." Anna said "Me too." Nat said "Smelly jellyfish." Anna said "Smelly jelly smellyfish."
The Register - 6:10
The register. Right, Class Six, register time! That means everyone sitting down - er, everyone, Darren. No, Darren, we're not feeding the snails now. Sarah, could you pass me the register? No, I haven't got it. You've got it. You went to fetch it, remember? ...Oh, that was yesterday, was it? Darren! Leave the snails alone! One moment, everyone! Mr. Hardware wants a word. ...Right, Class Six! Mr. Hardware says that any tennis balls landing in the gutter by the kitchen will be left there 'til Christmas, where they'll be sent to Doctor Barnardo's. Er, uh, no, he's not my doctor, Louise. My doctor doesn't need tennis balls. Doctor Barnardo's not alive, he- yes, I know, Wayne, that if he's not alive, he can't use tennis balls. Darren! Don't touch the snails! Do you hear me?! Does anyone know who or what is Doctor Barnardo's? No, Zu, not a dog's home. Yes, Abdul, a children's home! Well done. Oh, I wonder Mrs. Morris, ah (?)- I don't want to be rude, but I'm just settling the children down. Perhaps you could see a way to leaving now, hm? I'm sure David is okay, Mrs. Morris. Yes, cape making on Friday will be lovely, Mrs. Morris, but... Wayne! That's very rude! We've talked about kissing before! If Mrs. Morris wants to kiss David goodbye, that's okay. And you've got no right to laugh- oh, thank you again, Mrs. Morris. Yes, biscuit making, too? That'll be lovely. Thank you so much. Goodbye, Mrs. Morris. She's not waving to you, Sophie. Uh, yes, Colin? Well, I'm sure Mr. Hardware means any kind of ball, erm, footballs, basketballs- you got a baseball from your American cousin! That was very nice of him! No, no, I don't know who won the World Series. I can't guess, because I don't know the names of any baseball teams. Ah! Mrs. Riley! Good morning. Right, Class Six, Mrs. Riley says that if anyone who usually has a school dinner on Thursday, but wants a school-packed lunch for the outing to the science museum, then could they fill in the form? Yes, Julie? Er... the form! Well, I'm not quite sure what form at the moment, but I'm sure a form will be coming along soon. They usually do, and I'll tell you when it does. Well, if you don't want a school-packed lunch, and you don't bring a packed lunch, then... you'll be very hungry, won't you? DARREN! I don't want to have to tell you about the snails again! We're doing the register now, not snails! Yes, Zoey, I know quite well that I'm not actually doing the register at this very second, but I will be, and I could be. Do you know what the time is, Mervin? You do. Do you know how many minutes late you are, Mervin? You do. Do you have any idea how we're going to get you to come to school on time, Mervin? You don't. Ah, Mark and Hong sitting very nicely. Ah, Mrs. Morris, you're back! Yes, yes, we could make toffee as well - an excellent idea. QUIET!! There'll be no toffee for anyone if there's that kind of noise. Thank you so much, Mrs. Morris. I'm sure we have the right pans for making toffee, but I can't look just now. Bye, bye! Yes, yes, of course. Bye, bye. Rashida, Jason, Simone - all sitting very nicely. DARREN, NOT SITTING NICELY! NOT SITTING AT ALL, IN FACT! Oh no! He's left the lid off! Quick, Abdul! The lid! Put the lid back on the snails! ...What? One's missing?! Which one?! No, not all of you! Everyone come back, sit down. Abdul - and just Abdul - can you tell us which snail is missing? ...Robin. Was Robin in the aquarium before, Darren? No, Mervin, snails don't eat each other. You know they eat leaves. All term, we've been looking at how they eat leaves. We've written poems about how they eat leaves. We've drawn graphs of how many leaves they eat in a day. And now you're telling me that they eat each other. You know, sometimes I wonder why we've got these snails here- oh. It really isn't something to cry about, Paul. I know Robin was your favorite and I... I'm sure Batman doesn't miss him. I- I'm, uh, I'm not sure snails do miss each other. Look... I just don't want to deal with this right now. I'm sure Robin will turn up, he- he can't have gone far. Snails don't gallop, do they? DARREN! Is that the truth? Is what Selema is saying true? Is it?! Well, take Robin out of your pocket right now. Put him back in the aquarium and go straight downstairs to see Mrs. Rashid, and you can explain to her what you did to Robin. I'm not sure you'll be here for Mrs. Morris' baking day at this rate. Oh, and who is this? John? Mmm. Er, no, err, erm, uh, I'm sorry, John. No, you can't have the register just yet. Er, tell Mrs. Riley we'll be down with it in just a moment. Right, Class Six! The register! Now, uh, where, uh, erm, where is it? Where is- where was it? It was- it wa- was here a moment ago! Can anyone see the register? Can anyone see... the register?
Eddie and the Car - 9:36
Eddie and the Car. The stupidest thing I have ever done happened in France. We were going to have a picnic, so we were driving along the road in our little yellow Renault 4. Have you ever seen a Renault 4? It's like a square tin box. If you lean on it, the walls are so thin your hand goes straight through the side of the car. *PFFT!* We were off to have a picnic. Have you noticed how long it takes parents to make up their minds where to stop for a picnic? It takes us longer to find where to have the picnic than it takes to eat it! We stop, we get out, we spread the sheet, we unload the boxes and bags and bottles, we sit down, and it's *sniff* *sniff*, *sniff* *sniff* *sniff* "Whassat? What on earth could smell like that? A dead dog? Okay, everyone! Back in the car!" Drive off. We stop, we get out, we spread the sheet, we unload the boxes and bags and bottles. We sit down, and it's *zzzzzzzzt* *zzzzzzzzt zzzzzzzzt* wasps. Hundreds of them. "Okay, everyone! Back in the car!" Drive off. In the end, we got to this perfect place. Back the car up a little slope, laid everything on the ground, sat down. "Eddie, do you want some chicken?" "Neuuuh." "Eddie, do you want some crisps?" "Neuuuh." "A drink?" "Naaah." "Right, well, you toddle off and leave us to eat in peace." So Eddie, who was three years old at the time, walked off to the car and got into the back seat. He looked out the window and called out "LOOK AT ME!!! I'M IN THE CAR!" Joe, who was seven, looks over and starts giggling back at Eddie. "Lookit Eddie, dad!" says Joe. "Turn 'round, Joe. Don't take any notice of him. Mmm-hmm? It only encourages him. Turn 'round." Then Eddie climbed into the front seat of the car. He grabbed hold of the steering wheel, and shouted out at us. "LOOK AT ME! I'M DRIVING!!!" And Joe says "Lookit Eddie, dad! He's driving!" And I say "Turn 'round, Joe. Don't take any notice of him. It only encourages him. Turn around, hm?" We went on eating. Then Joe looked up and said "Dad, the car's moving." I said "Don't be silly, Joe." And I turned 'round to look at the car. He was right! The car was moving slowly down the slope towards the road, with Eddie at the wheel. He's screaming "THE CAR'S MOVING!!! THE CAR'S MOVING!!!" Now - if you were a sensible, intelligent person at this moment, you might perhaps go over to the car, open the door, get Eddie out, jump in, jam on the brakes, and stop the car. That would be the sensible thing to do. Slightly less sensible, but still quite sensible would be to go over to the car, open the door, get Eddie out, close the door, and... wave goodbye to the car. At least Eddie would be safe. What I did was try to stop the car. I rushed over, and grabbed hold of the pillar between the two doors, and tried to stop the car going down the slope. Eddie was screaming out the window "THE CAAAR'S MOVING!!!", and I'm grunting back "I did- I know it's moving!" All the time, the car is moving down the slope, and I'm hanging on. Hnng-hnng-nng-nngh! On the roof of the car is a tray of peaches. So Joe is calling out "Dad, haha! Lookit the peaches! The peaches are flying off the roof of the car!" And I'm saying "Nevermind the peaches!" And Eddie is shouting "The caaaar's moving!" "I KNOW IT'S MOVING!" Now, I know that what we've got coming up next is the road, so I think it'll be flatter there. The car will slow down; I'll be able to stop the car. We get to the road. The car doesn't slow down. I'm not able to stop the car. "Daaaad, lookit the peaches!" "Nevermind the peaches!" "THE CAR'S MOVING!!!" "I know it's moving!" We are now heading for a twelve-foot ditch! The car nosedives down the ditch, with me still hanging on! It bounces once, twice on its nose, and lands up, stuck head-first, in a hedge, with its wheels spinning in midair. I open the door, grabbed hold of Eddie, got him out, and he jumped into his mother's arms... and bit her. He sunk his teeth right into her arm. Ungh! Joe is walking around, saying "Heh! Lookit the peaches! Yeah, lookit the peaches!" Eddie is okay. Now, to get the car out of the hedge. Get in, start up, into reverse... and nothing. The little yellow Renault 4 has front-wheel drive. The front wheels are turning over and over and over in midair, and nothing else is moving. What to do? I got out of the car, and looked around. There's no-one, anywhere. We're in the middle of the French countryside. We're stuck in a hedge, miles from home. Then I looked again. And up the road, I could see in a field, someone's backside. A man was bending down, digging potatoes. So I ran up the road, and I spoke to him. "Excusez-moi, Monsieur. Je suis Anglais, et je suis stupide - erm, I'm English and I'm stupid, and my little boy got on the front seat of the car, and the car went down the hill, and *PLOK!* it's stuck." The man stood up, and slowly wagged his finger at me. "Jamais, jamais, jamais - never, never, never, never let a child onto the front seat of a car. They can easily-" "Yeah... eh, uh, I know that now," I said, "but how do I get the car out?" He then raised both hands by his side and said "Bouffe." (?) This is French for "I haven't got a clue. You're on your own, mate." Try it - look, raise both hands by your side, hands upwards, and as you say it, you puff your cheeks out. Bouffe. So, now what? Far away in the distance, I see a man plowing a field. So I started off running up the road towards him. And as I'm running along, I start to realize that I am only wearing my underpants. When we had the picnic, I thought that I would sunbathe. So here I am, running down the road, in my underpants. No matter. Must press on. As I got nearer to the field, where the man was plowing, I started thinking "How do you get someone to stop? How do you get someone to stop plowing a field?" So I climbed over the fence and stood in front of the tractor, held up both my hands, and started waving. I don't suppose the farmer had ever seen a large, hairy bloke in his underpants standing in front of his tractor, waving his hands. Well, he brought the tractor up to me and stopped it. *choomp-choomp-choomp-choomp choomp* *poof* And he said "Eh bein?", which is French for "Well? Have you got something to say or not? Or are you completely stupid?" As you say it, you have to nod your head upwards, leaving your mouth open after you've said it. The "bein" bit sounds a bit like "bang", doesn't it? Say it through your nose. "Eh bein?" So I said "Eh... Excusez-moi, Monsieur. Je suis Anglais, et je suis stupide - erm, I'm English and I'm stupid, and my little boy got on the front seat of the car, and the car went down the hill, and *PLOK!* it's stuck." The man looked at me, and slowly wagged his finger at me and said "Jamais, jamais, jamais - never, never, never let a child get in the front seat of a car, because they can easily-" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I know that now, but... do you think you can help me? I don- I- I could pay you, an- uh, it would be very nice if..." So, three hours later - after he had lunch - he came along with his tractor, his wife, his dog, and a long chain. They tied the chain 'round the back bumper of the car and they pulled, and they heaved, and they heaved, and they pulled - just like the story of the enormous turnip - and they pulled, and they heeeeeaved the bumper right off the car. Thanks. Well, in the end, they got the little yellow Renault 4 out of the bush, and out of the ditch. And after we had kicked it a few times, it worked! It was a... a little bit difficult going around corners, but it worked! We've got a photo of the little yellow Renault 4 stuck in the ditch in our photo album. It's great! It reminds me of the stupidest I've ever done.
The Hole in the Wall - 5:12
The hole in the wall. I loved sharing a room with my brother. But one day, my parents said that my brother was going to move out of our room. He was gonna have a room of his own. We wouldn't share anymore. So, he moved out the model cars he had made, and the model trains, and the model planes. They all went off to the room next door - his room. In there, he set up the model cars he had made, and the model trains, and the model planes. And soon, he got to work making something new. Something really big. I wanted to be in there while he was making it. But I had to go to bed in MY room; the room that used to be OUR room. So I had... an idea. I had a metal ruler. A hard, steel ruler, with sharp edges and corners. I got into bed with this metal ruler, and just where the bed meets the wall, just out of sight of anyone looking, I started to scratch the wall with the hard corner of the metal ruler. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. I was making a hole through to my brother's bedroom. I twisted the corner of the metal ruler 'round and 'round and 'round. Scratch, scratch, scratch. Scrape, scrape, scrape. And after ages of scratching and scraping... all I made was a little, tiny dent in the wall. So I went to sleep. The next night, and the next; scratch, scratch, scratch. Scrape, scrape, scrape. The dent got a tiny bit deeper. And the next night. And the next. Scratch, scratch, scratch. Scrape, scrape, scrape. After a few nights, I reached a bit of wood. Should I try to scrape through the wood, or around it? I decided to go over the top. But this would make the hole wider, and maybe someone would see it. But I didn't care! I had to go on! I had to make the hole! I had to get through to my brother's room! Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. There was now a little cave in the wall. A secret tunnel. I wet my fingers in my drink and then dabbed the dry plaster with my fingers. The plaster went dark. The secret tunnel was wet. What if I could shrink myself down and crawl through it? Be an explorer, bravely climbing through the dangerous cave! Will I get through? Or will I be trapped in here forever? Just then, my dad popped his head 'round the door. "Good night, Mick!" he said, all cheerily. I hadn't heard him coming. Oh no! He mustn't see it! So I sat up in the bed and quickly... twisted 'round to cover up the hole in the wall! He mustn't see the hole! But he saw me do this... sort of sitting up, twisty-'round thing. Oh no! He's seen me! Instead of going back downstairs, he opened the door and walked into the room. Still cheery, he says "Heh... what's that you're doing? W-W-What are you covering up there?" "Nothing!" "No, come on, Mick! Look at you! I can see from the... heheh, the way you're sitting! You're covering up something!" "No!" Still cheery, he says "Oh, come on! Come away from the wall! Let me have a look." What could I do? I had to let him see! So I... leaned forward. And he saw it straight away - the hole in the wall! Oh no. It's the moment where the cheery stuff stops. It's the moment where the cheery - stuff - stops! He stood there, staring at the hole in the wall. He pointed at it. "What's that?!" he says. "...It's a hole in the wall." I said. "I can see it's a hole in the wall," he says, "but HOW in heaven's name did you make a hole in the bedroom wall?!" "With this." I said, and I pulled the metal ruler from under the covers. He slapped his hand on his forehead. "You've wrecked the wall!" he says. He shouted for my mum. "Connie! Connie! Come and have a lookit this!" And, of course, my brother comes running along behind her. All three of them stood by my bed, staring at the hole in the wall. "Look what he's done!" says my dad. "Look at it! Look at it! He's wrecked the wall. It's wrecked!" "Oh, Michael..." says my mum. My brother is giggling and giggling! "WAAAAAAGH-HAA-HAAAA! WHOOOOO-HOOO! YAAAAAAAAAAAH-HAH-HAH! IT MUST HAVE TAKEN HIM AGEEEEEEEEEES!", he says. And mum is saying "But, Michael... what did you think what you were doing, and, hm... why did you do it?" And I said "...I was trying to get through to Brian's room." And my brother says "But Mick... you could've just got up, walked out the door, walked across the landing, and in through my door!"
Little Rabbit Foo Foo - 2:15
Little Rabbit Foo Foo. Little Rabbit Foo Foo, riding through the forest, scooping up the field mice and *PKFT* bopping them on the head. Down came the Good Fairy - Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! - and she said "Little Rabbit Foo Foo, I don't like your attitude. Scooping up the field mice and *PKFT* bopping them on the head. I'm going to give you three chances to change, and if you don't, I'm going to turn you into a Goonie!" Little Rabbit Foo Foo, riding through the forest, scooping up the wriggly worms and *PKFT* bopping them on the head. Down came the Good Fairy - Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! - and she said "Little Rabbit Foo Foo, I don't like your attitude. Scooping up the wriggly worms and *PKFT* bopping them on the head. You've got two chances to change... and if you don't, I'm going to turn you into a Goonie!" Little Rabbit Foo Foo, riding through the forest, scooping up the tigers and bopping them on the head! *PKFT* Down came the Good Fairy - Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! - and she said "Little Rabbit Foo Foo, I don't like your attitude! Scooping up the tigers *PKFT* and bopping them on the head. You've got one chance left to change, and if you don't... I'm going to turn you into a... Goonie!" Little Rabbit Foo Foo, riding through the forest, scooping up the goblins and *PKFT* bopping them on the head! Down came the Good Fairy - Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! - and she said "Little Rabbit Foo Foo, I don't like your attitude. Scooping up the goblins and *PKFT* bopping them on the head! You've got no chances left, so I'm going to turn you into a Goonie!" Keeeeeer-POW! "Hooo-weeeeee..."
Eddie and the Supermarket - 4:15
Eddie and the Supermarket. Shopping with Eddie was a nightmare. I lift Eddie up and squeeze him into the seat on the shopping trolley. "In you get, little fella." So he goes rigid. He turns himself into a little, fat, iron bar that can't be bent. I can't push his legs through the spaces. "In you get, Eddie!" Push. I said "In you-", push, "get, Eddie." Squeeze. Slowly, he lets his legs relax, and I unbend them... and thread them into the trolley, and off we go. We're wheeling past the baked beans, and he leans out and grabs a can. "BEANS! MORE BEANS!" "No, Eddie, we don't need anymore beans." "BEANS, BEANS, BEANS, BEANS!" "No, we don't need any beans." "BEANS, BEANS, BEANS!" "No beans, Eddie." We're heading now to the Kit-Kats, Penguins, Topic bars, Crunches, Milky Ways. He stops shouting "Beans, beans, beans," and leans out of his seat, arms waving. We whizz around the corner of the packs of chocolate wafers, and his chunky little hand grabs a packet. "WHEEEEEEE! CHOCLEETE! WHEEEEEEEE!" "We're going to take that packet back, Eddie. We're going to take that packet back." Then, there is an explosion. "MY CHOCOLATE!!! MY CHOCOLATE, MY CHOCOLATE!!!" He turns into the little, fat, iron bar again. In front of my eyes, he becomes a screaming demon - head flung back, face going red, eyes getting swollen, back stiff, hands punching out, body heaving to and fro! A woman is looking at me, and saying to herself "You're a torturer. You're horrible to babies." "MY CHOCOLATE!!! BEANS, BEANS, BEANS!" Some people walk about, pretending nothing is going on. But I can tell they're in pain. The noise of Eddie is getting into their bones. People are moving away from us. There's a man over there, hurrying to get to the kitchen rolls. Eddie is wrenching the bars off the trolley. "CHOCOLATE BEANS!!! MY CHOCOLATE BEANS!" I want some kitchen rolls, too. So the man who's trying to get away from me thinks he's being hunted by Eddie. Then, one of the shelf stackers tries to be friendly. He looks at the screaming blob called Eddie, and winks, *click* and does some useless trick with his finger, *click* and says "Oh, it's not that bad, little one." Thank you, shelf stacker. Brilliant finger move. "She is making a fuss, isn't she?" says our jolly shelf stacker. Eddie is veering about so much, the shelf stacker can't even tell it's a boy. "BEANS, BEANS, BEANS! CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE!!!" I wanna yell my head off, too! I wanna run around the supermarket, waving my arms about, screaming "Beans, beans, beans!" I wanna sit in someone's trolley and bend bars, and drop baked beans cans on the floor, and grab chocolate biscuits, and drive my dad crazy. Then, the security men arrive! They've come to collect the money from the cash registers. There's four of them. They're huge, in big, padded, blue uniforms, with crash helmets on, truncheons in their belts. This is my chance. "Eddie, look who's come to get you." He looks - he looks! And he stops howling. Aaaah. All around me, people relax. They smile, they chat. I glide through, paying my bill. We all float out onto the car park. Everything feels nice and easy. When we get home, I find that I've forgotten to get bread, jam, toilet rolls, milk, orange juice, tuna fish, and Corn Flakes. "Dinner time, Eddie," I say, "What do you want?" "BEANS!" says Eddie. I go to the cupboard. He was right. We have run out of beans. I say "Er, Eddie, I'm sorry, but, um... we've run out of beans. No beans." And he says... "BEANS! BEANS!! BEANS!!! BEANS!!!! BEANS!!!!! BEEEEEEEEEAAAANS!!!!!!"
The Torch - 3:29
The torch. I nagged my mum and dad for a torch. "Oh, go on... I'd love a torch. One of those ones with the black rubber 'round them. Oh, go on, pleeeeease?" It was no good. I wasn't getting anywhere. Then came my birthday. On the table was a big box; in the box, a torch. My dad took it out the box. "You see that torch?", he says. "It's waterproof. That is... a waterproof torch." Waterproof. Woooow. So that night, I got into the bath, and went underwater swimming with it. Breath in. *huuuuuh* Under the water. Switch on. *PLOK* Search the shipwrecks and treasure. Up, breathe *huuuh*. Under again. Exploring the ocean floor... then the torch went out. I shook it. I banged it. But it wouldn't go. I couldn't get it to go again. My birthday torch! So, I got out, dried myself off, put on my pyjamas, and went into the kitchen. "The, uh... the torch, it, uhhh... it won't work. Uhh... it's broken." And my dad says "What do you mean, 'it's broken'? It couldn't have just broken! How did it break?" "I dunno! It just went off!" "I don't believe it. You ask him a simple question, and you never get a simple answer. You must have been doing something with it." "No! It just went off!" "Just try telling the truth, will you? How did it break?" "...I was underwater, swimming with it." "Are you mad?! When I said the torch is waterproof, I meant it keeps the rain off! I didn't mean you could go deep-sea diving with it! Ruined, completely ruined. For weeks and weeks, he nags a stupid, then he wants one of these waterproof torches, and the first thing he does is wreck it. How long did it last? Connie, how long did it last? Two minutes? Three minutes? These things cost money, you know. Money!" I felt so wrong - my birthday torch! At the weekend, he says "We're going into Harrow to take the torch back." We walk into the shop. My dad goes up to the man at the counter and he says "You see this torch? Hm? I bought it from you a couple of weeks ago. It's broken." So the man picks it up. "...Well, it couldn't have just broken." says the man, "How did it break?" And my dad says "Well, I don't know. I just went off." "Surely, you must have been doing something with this," says the man. "No, no, no!" says my dad, "It just went off!" "Oh, come on!" said the man. "These torches don't just break down!" So I said "Well, actually, uh, I- I was in the kitchen-" And I got a hard kick on the ankle from my dad. "I was in the... yeah, yeah, the kitchen, and, err... it went off." So the man said that he would take it out to the back to show Len. He came back a few minutes later and said that Len couldn't get it to work, either, so he would sent it back to the makers. "You'll have to have a new one." he says. "I should think so, too!" says my dad. "Thank you!" Outside the shop, my dad says to me "What's the matter with you? Are you crazy? You were going to tell him all about your underwater swimming fandango, weren't you? Blabbermouth!"
Go Kart - 6:17
The go-kart. Me and my mate Harrybo, we once made a go-kart. Everyone was making go-karts, so we had to make one. Big Tony's was terrific. Big Tony was terrific, because Big Tony told us he was. What he said was "I am terrific." And because Big Tony was very big, no-one said "Uh, Big Tony, you're not terrific." So, Big Tonywas terrific, and Big Tony's go-kart was terrific, and that was that. When Big Tony sat on his go-kart, he looked like a real driver. He had control. When he came down a road 'round our way called Moss Lane, he could make the wind blow in his hair! *pssscho!* He could make the wheels of his go-kart go *BRERERERERERERERRRR!* And he went "EEEEEEEEEE-YAOWWW!" as he went past. I was jealous of Big Tony. I was afraid that I thought he might be terrific. So, me and Harrybo, we made a go-kart out of his old pram and some boxes and crates we got from the off-licence. We nailed it up - we bent nails - but Harrybo's dad said "Nah, nah, nah, nah nah... you should use big metal staples." And he gave us some. He said they were... 'heavy-duty'. Heavy-duty? Wooow. That sounded terrific. So then, we tied cord 'round the front crosspiece, but Harrybo's dad said "Nah, naahah, nah, nah, nah... you should use the pram handle." And he helped us fix the pram handle to the crosspiece. He said "That'll give you control." Control? Wooow! THAT sounded... terrific! Harrybo sat on the beer crate and steered. I kneeled behind, but Harrybo's dad said "Nooo, no, nah, nah, nah nah... you should kneel on foam pads." And he cut these two foam pads for me to kneel on. Harrybo's dad said "That will help you last the course. Last the course?! Wooow! THAT sounded... terrific! Our go-kart was ready. So we took it up to the top of Moss Lane, and Harrybo said "I'll steer." And he did. It was faaaaantastic! It felt just like Big Tony looked! The hair in the wind! *pssscho!* The wheels! *BRERERERERERRRR!* So we both went "EEEEEEEEEEEEEE-YAOWwWWW!" So we took it up to the top of Moss Lane again, and Harrybo said "I'll steer." And he did. It was... amazing! The road went blurry. The hair in the wind. *pssscho!* The wheels went *BRERERERERERRRR!*! So we both went... "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-YAOWwWWW!" So we took it up to the top of Moss Lane again, and Harrybo said "I'll steer." So I said "...Can I have a go?" Harrybo said "No." "Oh, go on!" I said. "No," he said, "you've never done it before." "Oh, go on, Harrybo, let me have a go! Go on, I mean... blimey! Come on, Harrybo! Go on!" "No." "Oh, go ooon! Oh, go ooon!! I meanna go- go on!!!" "Alright," he said "now look out, won't you?" "Yeah, yeah, yeh... heh, I know." I said. I thought I am gonna be terrific. My hair - *pssscho!*. My wheels - *BRERERERERERRRR!*. Me - "EEEEEEEEEEEEEE-YAOWwWWW!" And away we went! Hair, yeah! *pssscho!* The wheels, yeah!! *BRERERERERERRRR!* Me, yeah!!! "EEEEEEEEEEEEEE-YAOWwWWW!" BUT. Halfway down Moss Lane, there's Moss Close, and that's where the road curves, and that's where Big Tony steers. Big Tony leans, Big Tony controls. *BRERERERERERRRR!* "EEEEEEEEEEEEEE-YAOW-" I saw Moss Close coming up, really fast! "STEER!" shouts Harrybo, "STEER, YOU BIG WALLY!" And I yanked the pram handle. "Eeeeuh." And the whole world went around once, and twice, and three times. And my head went rolling down the road, pulling me after it, and then the go-kart came for the ride, over and over and over, until my nose, and my chin, and my two front teeth landed up in the grit of the gutter. Harrybo was crying, "Oh, guuuuuhd... oh, guuuuuh..." I breathed in, and it kind of whistled. *wheeew* *wheeew* There it was again! I stuck my finger up to my tooth... and it was chipped! Harrybo said "Your chin is bleeding!", and I said "Yeah, your chin's bleeding and all-" "I KNOOOOOOOW!!!" he said. We walked home. He pulled the kart, got to his place - he didn't say anything, nothing at all. Not a word. And he went in. I walked onto my place. *wheeew* *wheeeew* *whew* It was still whistling! When I got in, I told mum everything, and she said... heh, well, she said all kinds of things like "Well, your teeth'll probably fall out, you know?" One of those nice things that mums sometimes say. Next day at school, they were all asking about the crash. They all looked at my tooth. And then they wanted to see the go-kart. Harrybo said "...You can't, 'cause my dad's chopped it up." Chopped up? Wooow! That sounded... terrible! Hey, when Harrybo got his racer - his brand-new racing bike for Christmas - I... I didn't ask him for a go on it. No, no, I didn't, no. Heh. No, I didn't. I wonder why.
They Don't Love You - 1:04
They don't love you. You're thinking that your mother loves your brother more than you. You're thinking that your father loves your sister more than you. You're thinking that your mother loves you less than him. You're thinking that your father loves you less than her. You can prove it, you can prove it, you can prove it. He was asked if you wanted more. He got the present that cost more. No-one shouts at her, no-one hits her. She gets the smiles, you get the snarls. He gets told he did really well, you get told you should have done better. He's allowed to do what he wants, you're not allowed to do ANYTHING! You're thinking that your mother loves your brother more than you. You're thinking that your father loves your sister more than you. You're thinking that your mother loves you less than him. You're thinking that your father loves you less than her. But there's no-one there to see it, no-one there to believe it. It's something you know, and it's something you say, but they think you're mad and they say you're lying. There's no point in trying to get them to love you, 'cause they don't, and they won't, and they won't, and they don't. So you might as well be a pig.