Gwonam

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Well done, Link!

Name: Gwonam Al-Saraha Murbad
Appears In: Link: The Faces of Evil
Sex: Male
DOB: 1919 (age 101–102)
Nationality: Saudi Arabian
Occupation(s): Radical Muslim Cleric, Businessman
Played By: Paul Wann

Gwonam is a character commonly used in Youtube Poop, generally referred to as the "Freaky Carpet Guy", or "Squadallah Guy", simply "Squadallah", or "Pimpsahoy". Link has called him "Gohma" at least once due to being horrible at pronouncing his name correctly, though the ever-patient Gwonam seemed unphased by this. He was featured on Youchew Trading Card #6 with the following description:

"AKA "Squadala Guy", Gwonam's a wizard who rides his carpet around Hyrule to deliver important news to the King and Link. Gifted at freeing birds and interpreting strange fish hieroglyphics that would probably be indecipherable without him."

General Information

Early Life

Gwonam showing his Pizzeria, which was made out of legos behind King Harkinian's '41 Plymouth.

Gwonam himself has often given the story that he was born in 1923 in presumably Saudi Arabia. He moved to London at age 22, then moved to Sparta at age 26, and finally settled in China, where he lived for 17 years. But then, the Communist government of China decided to excommunicate Gwonam from his work in spiritual prophecy, as what he proclaimed to be "as written" contrasted with Maoist idealogies. He subsequently took a trip to the U.S. in 1969 to attend Woodstock. He stopped off to eat at Morshu's Dinner Palace and became instant friends with Morshu after putting his mastery of maps to use and explained that Woodstock would not be held on Morshu's restaurant. Gwonam was given a coupon for free carpet flying lessons as a reward. Gaining interest in magic, he decided to drop his hippie lifestyle and become a genie/wizard. He attended the University of Squadallah from 1970-1974, where the now famous line "Squadallah, we're off!" was the University's motto. Then, he met King Harkinian , the king of the land of Hyrule. The king took Gwonam to Hyrule and asked him to be his royal soothsayer and messenger. Gwonam accepted, and he has been living in Hyrule ever since.

Gwonam when he was a hippy.

It is not confirmed on how he became homosexual, but it is speculated that these traits began in his teenage years. Scarce records show that he snuck kisses with other teenage boys in the neighborhood. He would even kiss his own brothers. This means that these boys were gay long before gay was well-known.

Modern Life

Gwonam is an old guy on a magic carpet that brings about a sacred prophecy. Gwonam interprets that the prophecy states, "Only Link can defeat Ganon", from an ancient text that seems to read "Squiggle squiggle squiggle fish squiggle squiggle". His catch phrase is the famed, "Squadallah!" which he says every time he sets off on flight or when he gets an erection. It has been rumored that Gwonam has a deep obsession with taking Link and Zelda to iHOP. He also seem to like to stand in a same posings and movements when Link meets him in his magic carpet while he (Gwonam) tells Link about Ganon's minions. he also likes to tell Link to "look" or "see" Something..

Possessions

Gwonam, Link, King Harkinian, and Zelda when they finally have their acclaimed dinner.

Gwonam seems to be quite the item master and is a large help when it comes to aiding Link on his quests.

  • The Map
  • A Magic Carpet
  • Robes and turban
  • Weird facial hair
  • A strange ability to see into the future to find out what Ganon's minions are doing
  • A lamp which allows him to "see the Sand Crumies"
  • Cum
  • Possibly some birds.
  • Evil birds!
  • YouTube
  • Lots of random CDs, especially from his favorite band, "The Byrds".
  • An X-Wing he bought off eBay (Has recently been crashed by King Harkinian. It's current repair status is unknown)
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Gwonam and his bird.

Quotes

Gwonam Gwonam

"Your Majesty, Ganon and his minions as seen in the Island of Koridai."

Gwonam Gwonam

"It is written, only Link can defeat Ganon."

Gwonam Gwonam

"There is no time. Your sword is enough"

Gwonam Gwonam

"SAQUALLADAH!! We're off!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"These are the faces of evil. You must conquer each."

Gwonam Gwonam

"Here is The Map! Where do you wish to go?"

Gwonam Gwonam

"LOOK AND SEE, GORONU..."

Gwonam Gwonam

"AT LAST, you have the vision to find my house! Now, go with many blessings!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Go with many Zelbinems!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Well done, Link! Ganon is now imprisoned. CUM!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Look, already Koridai is returning to peace and harmony. The Birds are singing. Isn't it beautiful?"

Gwonam Gwonam

"YOU, LINK, ARE THE HERO OF KORIDAI!!!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"You must die."

Gwonam Gwonam

"CUM!"

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Gwonam's house, isn't it beautiful
Gwonam Gwonam

"Your Majesty, Duke Onkled is under attack by the evil forces of Ganon!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Your Majesty, you must die!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Your Majesty, Link must die!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Well done, your majesty!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Your Majesty, Link is gay and your face is beautiful!!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Many Blessings!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Your Majesty, Ganon is returning to harm you all!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"No Link, consider this... Ganon is evil!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Evil warriors are the most dangerous of Koridai."

Gwonam Gwonam

"At last, you see!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"You must defeat Ganon and I will say "YOU, LINK, ARE THE HERO OF KORIDAI!!!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"You will die!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Link, we're going to the beach."

Gwonam Gwonam

"NO, YOU!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Very well, you just opened a can of whoopass!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Morshu..."

Gwonam Gwonam

"I'm going to kick your ass!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Go, with no blessings!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"You have the vision!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Oh no you didn't!!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"It isn't my fault!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"NO!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"STOP!!!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Very well, Link!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"There is no God. There is no Jesus. There is no Allah!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"What did I miss?"

Gwonam Gwonam

"I live in Koridai."

Gwonam Gwonam

"Zelda, the King is DEAD!!!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Beautiful!!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"May the squadallah be with you!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Squadafuckinglah!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"What the fuck do you want from me now?!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Fine, I will sing for you once again."

Gwonam Gwonam

"That is enough. I'm too tired."

Gwonam Gwonam

"Enough is Enough your majesty."

Gwonam Gwonam

"You, Link are a lazy turd!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Your majesty, Mario is here!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Only fchan is furry enough, you must fap to Fchan!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"You cannot grasp the true form of my SQUADILLAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Your Majesty, CD-i is officially dead!!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"This is well done, Your Majesty! SkyGuy16 is the shiznit!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Shall I have this dance?"

Gwonam Gwonam

"That was some good Barrel Rolling, Harkinian!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Ganon is in my house."

Gwonam Gwonam

"Completely wrong!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Calm down!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"The birds are being stoned. Isn't it beautiful?"

Gwonam Gwonam

"Dad and his minions have seized the island of Car In Time!"

Gwonam Gwonam

"District in the morning main content defeating Jenny."

Gwonam Gwonam

"Your majesty, Waxonator seized your imagination."

Gwonam Gwonam

"There is no dinner."

Gwonam Gwonam

"Well darling, Gannon is once again the imprisoned mountain!"

Trivia

  • His favorite band is The Byrds.
  • He once worked for the Angry German Kid.
  • Was originally casted for the role of "Genie" in Aladdin, but was replaced at the last minute for failing a drug test.
  • He has six toes on his left foot, but no one knows about that (until now}.
  • His claim that "only Link can defeat Ganon" has been disproved by the fact that Ganon has been defeated by Zelda and Game Luigi.
  • In about a million and one years, Gwanom will be turned into a mechanical genie, and put on an island. There he will meet a giant baby and Flapjack.
  • Gwonam tried to sell his flying magic carpet to Link in 1978, but Von Vulture claimed it was fake and 30 years later Link still has not bought it.
  • Once said that The King totally burned Zelda and Link.
  • He has a YouTube account called nijjhar1.
  • He really likes the movie Dino Time. And I mean REALLY likes it. He became emo when it was gone and committed suicide. Three times.
  • Once owned a restaurant chain called Squadallah Burger hiring Link as an employee, but since it only sold burgers, it failed in the light of Duke Onkled's Diner that also sold pizza, potato chips, spaghetti and pizza pie.
  • Is the current owner of Gwonam's Pizzeria which at one point was Morshu's Dinner Palace. Mayor Kravindish works there as the Maitre D' and Curly is the waiter. The King however dislikes the place because of the lack of hamburgers.
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Gwonam currently lives his life by growing stuff out of the King.
  • He once sang the I.M. Meen song. He sang it beautifully, but he could only do the first part. The reason why he didn't do the rest of the song was because he got possessed by something.
  • Link masturbates to his Facebook pictures. Spooky.
  • Squadallah could possibly be referring to "Squad Allah", an Islam youth group.
  • The birds are singing. Yes, it IS beautiful.
  • He once thought that CD-i was officially dead as a YouTube Poop source. However, that was before the King decided to show him that "Big Beat Mario" video. That video made Gwonam change his mind about CD-i being dead.
  • Owns several flying carpets. One is from the '70s (he's been trying to sell it to Link for over 30 years), one has a hemi, and one is an unreliable second hand carpet.
  • He does own one car, a 1925 Nash.
  • He wonders what is wrong with the idea of school to the people who hate school in the first place.
  • One time, he told Link to calm down. Unfortunately, that made things worse for him.
  • He knows how to make 4 versions of hisself. However, he rarely shows his power, so you're shit out of luck right there.
  • He lives Growing plants out of the head of King Harkinian.