Heavy Weapons Guy

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Name: Heavy Weapons Guy (real name Mikhail or "Misha" for short)
Sex: Male
DOB: 1921 (age 99–100)(Was 47 during the game)
Nationality: Russian
Occupation(s): Heavy weapons guy (OHMIGAWD, NO WAI!!)
Played By: Gary Schwartz

Heavy Weapons Guy, or Heavy for short, is a fat, bald, bastard maniacal Slavic man. He usually gets pissed when somebody touches his gun/lover/masturbatory aid, Sasha. He has yet to meet someone who can outsmart a bullet and enjoys massacring thousands of people. In and out of battles he pays hookers to let him beat them up.

Not to be confused with heavy weapons dude.

Arsenal

Sandviches are especially important to Heavy. Maybe even more so than Sasha...

Basic

  • Sasha: His trademark Minigun he once used to keep thousands from getting over the Berlin Wall. Approach with caution.
  • Shotgun: His other gun. Used on weekends for hunting quail with the Medic. Used on weekdays for hunting leetle babeh men.
  • Fists: Used for punching the tiny faces of his foes in. The latest Cyborg technology has given him the ability to fire lethal bullets from his fingers.

Update

  • Natascha: Though not as powerful as Sasha, it slows down his opponents, which could make them easier kills. Provides additional ammo to last longer. Replaces Sasha.
  • Sandvich: The delicious deli product with a Slavic accent! Used for healing himself and general dickery in matches. Replaces the Shotgun.
  • Killing Gloves of Boxing (KGB): Not to be mistaken for the Soviet Secret Service's initials, these gloves give the Heavy's Fists an extra "kick".
  • Conscientious Objector: You are now a conscientious objector to being DEAD, thanks to this protest sign with which you can put on ANY IMAGE and I mean ANY IMAGE (Provided you have the tool)! Replaces the Fists.
  • Bread Bite: OH GOD HIS HANDS ARE ALIVE! A loaf of bread mutated by teleportation torn in half and used as toothed boxing gloves. Functions identically to the Gloves of Running Urgently and replaces the Fists.
  • Necro Smasher: A miniature replica of the hammer used in the World's Largest Strongman Machine. Not only the classic tool for testing your strength, but also a great blood-splattering, bone-breaking bludgeon! Replaces the Fists.

Community

  • Dalokohs Bar: A chocolate bar that increases the Heavy's max health...I'll just stick with the Sandvich.
  • Gloves of Running Urgently (GRU): When wearing these special boxing gloves, the Heavy runs faster (ironic I know) but does less damage and he is marked for death. Also known as the GRU and are NOT to be confused with the Russian international military intelligence directorate of the same initials.
  • Brass Beast: The Heavy becomes a walking sentry with this. It might make him move slow but the bullets deal more damage.
  • Buffalo Steak Sandvich: Who needs bread, or a gun? Real men eat steak and fight with their hands! Plus getting badly hurt themselves if they get hit.
  • Warrior's Spirit: He'll kill you with bear hands! Get it? BEAR hands!...of course these were cut off the actual animal.
  • Fists of Steel: Taking a Heavy Weapons Guy quote literally, these steel fists make the Heavy stronger against projectile attacks and weaker against melee combat. No matter what's thrown at him, he lives longer.
  • Tomislav: It's awfully quiet in her--*BADDA-BADDA-BADDA*. Don't end up the unlucky victim of this silent spinning minigun modified and on loan from the Mafia.
  • Family Business: A shotgun with an expanded magazine of ammo for the Gangster kind of Heavy.
  • Eviction Notice: When you're wearing sharp knuckledusters, you get that confidence to swing your fists faster into the faces of jerkasses.
  • Holiday Punch: Feeling jolly? Make your enemies burst into uncontrollable fits of laughter as you punch 'em from behind with these gloves while the rest of the team (or you with your minigun) does the honours. What a humiliating way to die.
  • Bat Outta Hell: This gruesome skull on a spine gives new meaning to the word "headbanging" as you whack your enemies with it! In fact, you can make this weapon by tearing out your own skull and spine...actually, don't.

Promotion

  • Iron Curtain: Canonically the Heavy's first Minigun from his earlier days of Berlin Wall defence, before he used Sasha. Forget approaching with caution and find another way around him. Replaces Sasha.
  • Fishcake: A...fishcake...wrapped...functions the same as the Dalokohs Bar...Move along. Should I also mention that the fish ingredient is artificial? Replaces the Shotgun.
  • Apoco-Fists: Said to have been worn by Mikhail Gorbachev himself, these diamond-studded boxing gloves can shatter bone and break enemies into bloody chunks. Bet you wish your boxing gloves could be that manly. Replaces the Fists.
  • Frying Pan: CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANG. That about sums up this weapon. Replaces the Fists and gives them something to hold at the same time.
  • Huo Long Heater: I fell into a burning ring of fire, then got riddled with holes thanks to this new dragon-themed Minigun!
  • Freedom Staff: A staff with a golden eagle on top. Originally used by Kofi Annan to beat many a great dictator's head in, it has since been stolen and is for some reason now in the TF2 team's arsenal. Replaces the Fists.
  • Ham Shank: Don't run! It's just ham! No! It really is! Who knew that such a mass of meat could be a useful bludgeon? Replaces the Fists.

Event

  • Saxxy: Only a select few received this coveted statuette of good old Saxton said to have been carved by King Midas/Sauron specially for the Saxxy Awards replay contest. Now MORE people are turning their enemies into gold and holding bragging rights! Gives the Fists something to hold to FINALLY use as a proper melee weapon (But Saxton Hale won't agree for sure) and NOT some random food item!
  • Robo-Sandvich: A mechanical Sandvich bursting with delicious metal! Not recommended for organic beings. Replaces the Shotgun.
  • Memory Maker: Given only to those who made the finals of the Second Saxxy Awards, this camera makes the ideal dual-purpose video capture device: For bludgeoning people with it and recording a video of you bludgeoning people with it! Replaces the Fists.

Special Note: When the Heavy wields the Brass Beast, the Buffalo Steak Sandvich and the Warrior's Spirit together, crits don't hurt as much. Never fear the crit rocket again!

Relationships

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Heavy's new girlfriend.

Heavy is in mad love with his weapons, especially Sasha, though he occasionally cheats on her by switching to Natascha for dealing with those pesky Scouts. He is best buddies of the Medic, though many believe their friendship goes beyond that. To wit, remember that one time in the TF2 comics where the Team Fortress Classic Heavy killed Medic? TF2 Heavy went ballistic and wrecked the TFC Heavy's shit, it was amazing. His worst enemy is the Scout who always tries to steal his sandwiches for himself, the pig!

Also, he recently became best Soviet friends with Zangief and Soda Popinski.

Around August 2012 he met some chick on Craigslist. When he learned her name was Bullet, the rest was history.

Quotes

{{#ev:youtube|jHgZh4GV9G0|320}}

Heavy Heavy

"I am Heavy Weapons Guy...and this...is my weapon."

Heavy Heavy

"Oh my god, who touched Sasha? Alright... WHO TOUCHED MY GUN!?"

Heavy Heavy

"Some people think they can outsmart me... maybe... *sniff* maybe.... I have yet to meet one that can outsmart BULLET."

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WHO TOUCHED MY GUN!
Heavy Heavy

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! CRY SOME MORE!!!"

Heavy Heavy

"MEDIC"!!!

Heavy Heavy

"It costs 400,000 dollars to fire this weapon...for 12 seconds."

Heavy Heavy

"MEDIIIIC!!!!!!"

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The Heavy Weapons Guy laughs at the Scout's pitiful attempt at advertising.
Heavy Heavy

DOCTAR

Heavy Heavy

"I LOVE THIS DOCTAR!"

Heavy Heavy

"I live!"

Heavy Heavy

"Run cowards!

Heavy Heavy

"OM! NOM! NOM! OM! NOM!"

Heavy Heavy

"YATATATATATATATATATDODODODUDUDADADADA!!!! KABOOM! KABOOM"!

Heavy Heavy

"I HEAR SOMEONE BUILDING DIAPER CHANGING STATION!"

{{#ev:youtube|eya3BAt2x-Y|320}}

Heavy Heavy

"ENTIRE TEAM IS BABIES!"

Heavy Heavy

"ALL OF YOU ARE BABIES!"

Heavy Heavy

"WHAT WAS THAT SANDVICH? KILL THEM ALL? GOOD IDEA! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

Heavy Heavy

"Scout is delicious!"

Heavy Heavy

"SCOUT, I'm Really Happy For You, And I'mma Let You Finish, But MEDIC Has One Of The Best VIDEOOOOOOOOOs Of All Time!"

Heavy Heavy

"I AM JETPACK!! BZZZZ!!!!

Heavy Heavy

"GUN!!!!!!"

Heavy Heavy

"OH, THIS IS BAD!"

Heavy Heavy

"OH, NO! HELP!"

Heavy Heavy

"Heh... cry some more."

Heavy Heavy

"Scout is money!"

Heavy Heavy

"HOHHOHOHOHAW, That's big surprise!"

Heavy Heavy

"I am credit card! CHARGE ME!"

Heavy Heavy

"Waaaaaaahhh!"

Heavy Heavy

"THESE CARDS ARE WEAK LIKE BLU BABY TEAM!"

Heavy Heavy

"I AM VERY HAPPY! Hahahaha!

Heavy Heavy

"I can call your bet AND buy Sandvich!"

Heavy Heavy

"Strong and Bad, you wrestle? With mask?"

Heavy Heavy

"My favorites are The Dirty Dozen and the first 20 minutes of Rocky IV."

Heavy Heavy

"Da this is good for you. I suggest Force-A-Nature."

Heavy Heavy

"WHAT!? I AM NOT MOONLIGHTER!"

Heavy Heavy

"Dead doctors everywhere. Spy cannot be found."

Heavy Heavy

"You are Heavy. Tiny no? You are RED Team. You have Killing Gloves of Boxing. You earn these for being great killer."

Heavy Heavy

"I will make hat from you little bunny."

Heavy Heavy

"Best strategy when fighting Heavy Weapons Guy, is not to fight Heavy Weapons Guy."

Heavy Heavy

"You are like dumb! Dumb like Engineer trying to kill man with wrench! You must fight with weapons!"

Heavy Heavy

"WHAT!? I WILL NOT LOSE TO LUCKY COWARD! I KILL YOU!"

Heavy Heavy

"Vinning vinning vinning is almost as fun as killing!"

Heavy Heavy

"I cannot squash a man with GARBAGE!"

Heavy Heavy

"WHERE ARE YOU SPY!? I KNOW YOU SABOTAGE CARDS! I NEVER GET GOOD HAND!"

Heavy Heavy

"I AM BULLETPROOF!!!!!!"

Trivia

  • He has the same voice actor as the Demoman.
  • It is rumoured that he may be having an affair with Natascha.
  • It is also rumored that he may be in a relationship with the Soldier.
  • It is confirmed that he has a grandson, which is the main character of Quake 2.
  • Robbed a McDonalds once for their McGriddles.
  • Sasha was also raped by the Scout when he took her out for a steak dinner.
  • Has a Medic fetish.
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    Heavy Weapons Guy laughing at the clowns in a circus.
  • Has yet to meet one who can outsmart bullshit.
  • Was once killed by Gordon Freeman.
  • Works part-time at a deli to help pay the rent/steal sandwiches.
{{#ev:youtube|XSZA1wyCVYw|320}}Heavy invades Starfox.
{{#ev:youtube|EeQnnEqexkA|320}}Heavy invades Outset island.
  • Whenever he becomes pissed off about someone saying something negative about Sandvich (Mostly Scout), he has a magic (hacking) ability to make a few Sandviches turn into a Sandvich Gun!!! It allows him to fire random Sandviches from his Sandvich Gun, and when he's satisfied, he actually eats his Sandvich Gun!
  • His bullets are smarter than him.
  • He is one of the few people to obtain a Promotion.
  • Is interested in American culture, which is why he owns an American Football helmet, and occasionally wears a duck's arse haircut along with some Elvis-esque sunglasses.
  • Once served in the Red Army, which is where he obtained his ushanka.
  • Being punched by his fists is similar to being hit by the following: an Axe, a Shovel, a Bottle (broken or not), A Bonesaw, a Wrench, a Kukri, and a Falcon Punch.
  • It is believed that Heavy actually scared someone with the sandvich by putting an evil grin on it.
  • Was once shocked to see the Scout become a Boo, who proceeded to chase him afterwards.
  • Despite his lack of intelligence, he has limited reality-warping powers. By simply saying something such as "Character is item", whatever he said will come true. All we have to do is hope he doesn't say, "Heavy is naked!"
  • Also despite his intelligence, he has a degree in Russian Literature.
  • One time, he ended up being a guinea pig like Soda Popinski for Russian scientists. However, unlike Soda Popinski, he was given special strength increasing sandviches, which not only gave him super strength, but also made him radiate in a purple color.
    • Also, he once fought Little Mac due to the fact that he was pretending to be Soda Popinski. He surprisingly ended up winning that fight.
  • One time, he ruined Scout's acceptance speech for whatever the thing it was that he won just to say that the Medic has one of the best videos of all time. The incident can be seen near the top of the end of the quotes part of this article.
    • However, I will say that the Demoman called him a bloody jackass afterwards.
  • He was once hypnotized by Pickle Surprise to say "ham".
  • Enjoys playing poker with Max, Tycho, and Strong Bad.
  • Take a wild guess who he's gonna main in Blazblue: Chronophantasma.
  • He has sisters, and they're all foxes, lemme tell you. One of them's smitten with Soldier though.
  • Yes, he really did fight his Team Fortress Classic counterpart. Yes at one point the TF2 mercs fought the TFC guys, it was crazy.

See Also

Links