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Sean Connery

From Chewiki: 1% Funny, 99% Hot Gas
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the last thing any pedophile should ever see

Sean Connery is a retired Scottish actor born on the 25th of August 1930. As an actor he achieved fame as the first James Bond, as Indiana Jones's dad, and as a hunter of Red October, a Brutal Exterminator for the Eternals, a Green Knight, an Extraordinary Gentlemen, an Untouchable and a Good Man in Africa. Following his retirement, he discovered an unkindled and passionate love for shotgunning pedophiles wherever they may lurk, and these days he can always be spotted pointing his barrel up the noses of suspected diddlers. He has turned down future movie roles claiming "retirement is too much damn fun" and it can be inferred that this is the reason why. As a callback to his James Bond days, whenever he zeroes in on his next target, he leaves them with "shome parting wordsh", which is always followed by his new catchphrase, "kablamo...".

Sean Connery Describes Himself

"The shtar of numeroush Jamesh Bond clashicsh, Shean Connery'sh film career ended with the conshiderably lesh clashic Shir Billi. Resht ashured Shean hash been putting hish retirement to good ushe, with him dedicating all of hish time to shooting pedophilesh... kablamo..."

His Victims

  • a certain former moderator of YouChew
  • The Flash
  • Jared Leto
  • Jared Fogle
  • ProJared
  • hell, most people named Jared! bad luck name
  • Spyro The Dragon
  • Jerry Lee Lewis
  • the admin of NSider2
  • Steven Spielberg
  • God
  • other former members of YouChew
  • anyone who reacts to an anime kid picture with Robotnik grinning or lovestruck Sonic
  • at least a few former US presidents
  • Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble
  • Crazy Fox
  • other pokemon, as a pokemon(Dex #8251930), in the unreleased Pokemon GUN
  • people who fuck Pokemon
  • people who once had crushes on cartoon characters
  • a bowl of paparikash
  • John K
  • the Google offices
  • George Lucas
  • Dan Schneider
  • random men who enter any public restroom
  • his own son
  • predators who kiss his fly girl
  • Kyle Massey
  • Shmorky
  • school teachers
  • Michael Jackson
  • crytocurrency handlers
  • allegedly, Satoru Iwata
  • Woody Allen, several times
  • Spider Man
  • Colonel Sanders
  • Vic Mignogna
  • Rohan from Full Metal Alchemist
  • "animal fuckersh"
  • Bryan Singer
  • Kevin Spacey
  • all children, including newborns(so "there will be no pedophilsh...")


  • The lore of Sean Connery began entirely as one long hilarious series of in-jokes brainchilded by the post-YouChew community in the collective Discord chat, all stemming from the image to the right being one of the server's custom emotes. It is considered one of the greatest latter-day cultural inventions of the community, and the best following the closure of the forums.
    • It was Dopply who introduced the joke to the community on December 20, 2018, having parsed through the boomer memes that clogged up his Facebook feed and noting the hilarity of Connery's face being Photoshopped onto the original meme for seemingly no reason.
  • A non-serious trading card was created for this reimagining of the character, slating him as a hypothetical Card #102.
  • Has long existed previously as a Photoshop created on a longer-running imageboard site, but as artists copy and geniuses steal, the post-YouChew community remain definitively geniuses.
  • Is doing pretty well for himself at 89, considering this is his regular level of activity nowadays.